I'm really, really content.
And the only thing that sucks about it is it seems like everyone else around me, isn't.
I want nothing else for my friends to all be happy... it just seems like they are always sad, and it's mainly boy/girl troubles, too. So sometimes I feel like my happiness with matt is annoying to others? Even though they don't outright say it, I feel like it is. And I know they are honestly happy for me, because they are great people, but I don't know... like I just feel BAD almost for being happy and basically in a relationship right now...

And it is more annoying that there are people that can't deal with the fact that we are together, more so for the fact that MATT is happy.. which is an utterly ridiculous thought. We all deserve happiness. And to the main person who is causing this, this is what I want to say to you:
It is just downright unfair to treat people that were your friends like crap because they are happy together. It's selfish and wrong. And I thought we were friends, but if you come into town and basically TRY to avoid me, or come into a room and see us together and then just don't even say hi but LEAVE... that shows immaturity. Matt never wanted to hurt you and neither did I. I wish you could see that and still be our friend.

You know what.. you know those things that people write in their myspace blogs that are like: things I want to say to 10 people or w/e... I think I am going to do that. These are just things that I have been wanting to say but I'm just a wuss basically, haha! So here goes.

1-I wish that you could see that there is nothing wrong with you. You are a wonderful person, and are obviously desirable to other males so I don't understand why you keep feeling as if there is something wrong with you because there isn't! Sure, you may not be the typical, sterotypical all-american girl, but that is why you are so great! I know that soon a guy will come along that will embrace you for everything that you are and you won't have to change a bit about you. You just need to stop looking! Also, It is time to let go as I know you want to, of this certain guy that has been plaguing you recently. Some GUYS ARE JERKS. period. Some guys just are immature and retarded and are not worth your tears or your time! He has no control over you and he never did, so don't let him. I hate to see the way that he still has this control over your emotions. And I wish that you would'nt let other people influence you as much as you do. I know that you want everyone to be happy, and I can identify with that as I am a people-pleaser as well. But the things that people require of you sometimes are ridiculous and I wish you could see that. I love you and I like to see you happy. =]


2-I worry about you, sometimes. I wish I didn't have to but I just am scared that you will make wrong decisions when it comes to relationships because you are so eager to get in another one. DON'T rush it! You are in a broken state right now. IT IS OKAY. Give yourself time to heal! Don't go rushing to find another boy to ease your pain, because a boy is what caused it to begin with, right? And once the faux happiness goes away it is just like rubbing salt in a wound. You are an awesome girl and you will find a boy when the time is right and you are not looking, trust me! I love you, too and I just want nothing but happiness for you.

3- I know you said that you wanted to have fun with different girls because you don't want to be in a relationship for a while... but the way you are acting is not right. Don't be one of "those guys." You are a sweet guy with a huge heart and it's just not in character for you to string girls along. Now I probably don't know details of everything, but just in general, I think that you are just being selfish and you are not really being YOU... but you are just bitter and this is a way for you to deal with it. But you need to probably chill out. There is nothing wrong with dating different people and having some fun- but don't get too far to the point where you hurt people. Thats all I ask.


4- I'm sorry, but I really have no respect for you. The way you treat girls is unacceptable. I really don't know what I ever really saw in you but obviously it was all a facade- a really great one, mind you. And yes, I do know more about you than you probably think I do. I don't know why you feel the need to be constantly "acting"....but you're not putting on a good show, that's all I'm saying.

5- Please stop trying so hard. You're a great guy, and there is no reason for you to be so down on yourself all the time! I think that you are constantly seeking out a girl to latch on to and like, and you try to hard to be what you think the perfect guy would be like to them- but you are only hurting yourself, because you just need to be yourself! Sometimes girls can feel awkward with how straightforward you are sometimes. Just don't try so hard and stop looking into things too much and trust me you will be alot happier. And if things don't work out the way you want them to, you don't have a right to make the person feel awkward and/or guilty about it, either.


6- Thank you for making me feel as wonderful have you have recently. Things are just so EASY with you... they are so natural and thats why I love being with you- because nothing seems forced at all. I love the way you are "illogical" sometimes... =] And how you accept me for who I am completely, weirdness and all! I love the way you never cease to make me smile- even thinking about you makes me smile. I love watching you sleep, and I love the way that you are so ridiculously good looking and don't even know it. :P Sure, you may not have a car that works right now to be able to take me on bonafide dates, but that doesn't matter. I love being able to sing with you and the way that I feel when you hug me like you don't want to let go. Thank you for changing my mind and my view on guys and relationships in general. At the beginning of the semester I decided not to really give my heart away to anyone for a long time... but it seems as if you stole it right from under me :P And just saying... I've always been so scared of being in a relationship again, but for the first time in a LONG time, I can honestly say that I would love nothing more than for that to happen. =]


So yeah. That's only 6. But that is all I can think of at the moment....

reflection

So I was just looking through my old photobucket account and I stumbled upon these old pictures from high school and what not... and it just started to make me think of my life and how much I have changed- physically AND emotionally. I've been through so much- 2 one and a half year long relationships... losing friendships as well as gaining strong ones... having my life turned upside down by my father's death and learning how to be strong through the 7 hardest months of my life that he was in the hospital...
I don't know why all of a sudden I am thinking about him at this particular moment... but sometimes I wish that he could see me because I know he would be proud of me and all that I have accomplished. He was always this huge encouragement in my life growing up and wanted me to succeed. He was never one of those fathers that didn't care what their children did...he was very involved and always pushed me to pursue my dreams. And I feel that slowly but surely I am doing just that. I like to think that he can still somehow see me at every performance though...it is a great thought =]

a stream of consciousness

i have to go audition tonight and i probably wont be cast because i am already doing fat men in skirts and it will conflict and im probably doing dureyeas show i really want to sing no good deed i like that song alot i really love to sing i wish i was a better dancer but im improving alot i really like to draw clothing i love my basic design costume for my ballet drop that i made i dont know how i feel about my bangs at the moment robins hair is really red but its cool her shirt is really pink and i like it as well i like the little stuffed kitten that sits atop my lamp i wonder what this surprise that dylan has for me and robin i really like theatre dance but lately my muscles have been really tight i want some new black flats i always mess up my shoes i think my weight is distributed unevenly i dont like the way my phone freezes up sometimes and i cant use the qwerty keyboard i miss matt i wish he was not in toccoa right now but its ok because he needs to spend time with his family im glad im not doing tech for boy gets girl anymore because i wont be so stressed out anymore i really need to start working out again because i cant fit into my clothing and that depresses me i need to clean this plate of syrup off my desk because it is gross my mom says nobody will ever want to marry me because i am a slob but i just call it creative clutter i want to go shopping some more i should have bought those other pairs of underwear at target today but i only bought three i like this song that is playing on robins itunes right now this gum is really good it is orbit fabulous fruitini or something of the sort i think my mom thinks im crazy sometimes i want to visit augusta in a weird way but then i dont i dont like the way my face looks right now i had an ice dream from chicken fil a earlier and it was tasty but then i felt guilty about eating it i wish i would stop feeling guilty about eating food but i cant help it i like to play halo alot and i have been playing alot lately and getting pretty good and its fun but i dont like the big maps and alex always wants to play them and i think they get upset when i whine but i usually only whine when im really tired which is 99 % of the time i really cannot wait to see twilight i hope they make all the sequels i want to be in a movie or at least be an extra but i never have free time on the weekends to be an extra even though i have had opportunities too i never have free time anymore and i need to get a job but the dude that owns java and jazz cannot get a loan because of our economy i like frozen fruit and we should get a bag to snack on my hair sheds alot i feel like im a sheepdog or something i should probably get dressed but i dont have anything to wear anymore i really want to shop i want to go to nyc and live there. i like colored pencils

I can honestly say at this moment, I'm not stressed (Well, only about the scene I have to memorize for acting by tomorrow, but I am in the same boat as most of my class so no worries there, haha)
But really, I feel as if my heart is full and I am happy. I don't think I have really been THIS happy in a while.
Last night was our production of This is What Happens When- it went great! I am a little sad that it's over, but relieved at the same time. It went off pretty much without a hitch- and we had a superb audience! I had such a fun time performing it and I really loved our cast! =]

Also, I got the part of Pam/Popo in Fat Men in Skirts! I have to say, though, that the walk up the stairs to the office to see the cast list was probably the most nerve-wracking walk ever. First of all, I was not cast in the season this semester, and then the majority of all my friends just found out they got cast for next semester's shows and we were all rejoicing... but the cast list for Fat Men was not up yet so I had to wait until this morning to find out. I am just SO eager to finally show the department that I can do MORE than musical theatre! That is really the most exciting part about it. But anyways, all of this was riding on me getting this part- and I did! So I am just crazy excited about it =]
I'm also SO proud of everyone else who got cast!

Add to that how happy that Matt-y makes me... and yeah. My life is pretty much amazing at the moment. =]

they say i'm crazy- i got your crazy.

I am aware that I have not written a blog since GTC.
Well here is the updated info on that situation:
No, I did not get passed on. And even though I feel like lately I have just been not been having good luck in the auditions department this year so far... I am weirdly okay with it. I mean, there were some really good people that did not get passed on and you never really know exactly what the judges are looking for!

The sucky thing about that situation is that now I have no idea what I will be doing this summer. I know, for one that I do not want to be working at Midsummer Macon or Express. I suppose I just need to have faith that something will come along that will be worth my while...

I just feel like I'm working so hard sometimes and that it's not getting anywhere and it really sucks. I want so badly to be an actress, and I KNOW that is what I want to do and I know somehow it will work out. But right now I'm just feeling inadequate or something, idk. But the next general auditions are coming up this Thursday, and I'm excited to see how that turns out. Also, my show goes up exactly a week from today and I'm really excited about that too.

OH and I can't not mention this boy.. hehe... he makes me so extremely happy. =]

Krispy. Kremey.

So I am sitting in my hotel room at GTC. My audition was earlier today, it was the first time in a while that I've auditioned and after it was over I felt really great about it. Hopefully I will get passed on to SETC and have the chance to audition in front of professional theatre companies! I will be so excited if I do. But if not, I will try to not be upset as they are only passing through 40% of auditionees. Scary, I know!
Regardless, I did my best and that is all I can do. If they liked me, great, if not, then I can always try again next year. There are plenty of talented people that have not gotten passed on for whatever reason, so I will not be totally upset.
But I REALLY want to be passed on so I will have a greater possibility of having a job this summer! That would be fantastic.
But anyways. I really do feel as if I have gained 10+ lbs. in the span of 2 days. It started with the trip to Krispy Kreme yesterday evening and since then I've eaten Zaxbys, more Krispy Kreme, Pizza, Wendys and finished it off with you guessed it....Krispy Kreme. UHH why do I do this to myself!?
Although I realized today in the dressing room at Ross that I can still wear a size 2 jeans. WOO!

smiles and candy corn.

So I realized that I have not written a blog in a long time... weeks, even.
The truth is, I have been so ridiculously busy and stressed that I guess I didn't even think about it. But regardless, judging from my last post it seems as if the tables are turning in my life...

So there's this boy...
I actually never expected things to turn out the way they did but they have and I am just really happy. I feel totally comfortable with him, and he makes me smile so much... =]

But at the same time, alongside the warm fuzzy feelings that come with a new romance, I am scared. And it has absolutely nothing to do with him .
I just don't want to get hurt. (Well, Obviously, nobody does!) Nor do I want to hurt him either. Like I said before, I feel like I suck at being a girlfriend.

It's just that the fact of being in a bonafide relationship again scares me a little bit. Well, actually- I think it's not even being in a relationship- just putting myself out there is what scares me, because the last time I did that I found out that it was all in vain. And it sucked to find that out. I don't want to be lied to or played around with- I don't deserve that at all. And that is not saying in ANY way that the guy I am currently seeing is like that because I truly do not believe he is like that at all... it just is a shame that I have become so jaded on relationships in general.

I'm just going to have to forget about the things other guys have done... and just focus on how happy I am when I am with him... and how he even helps me relax- a word that seems to have disappeared from my vocabulary due to all the stress I put myself through!

Although lately the stress has been lifted a bit- Batboy is over, I just finished the last of directing scenes this month, no more Basic Design projects for a while.... all I have left is GTC (I'm number 4), and then Richard's freestage- "This is What Happens When." (Which, by the way, is going to be super fun and everyone needs to come see it Nov. 3rd at 5!) Although soon general auditions are coming up again... and so is Boy Gets Girl.

I really want to be cast next semester, so finding a super awesome audition piece is going to be imperative. I am longing for a chance to show off that I CAN do straight plays, too! I love musicals and all, but I feel as if I haven't been given a chance really to show that I know how to actually act. But hopefully things will work out in my favor!

Anyways. Life is good right now. I'm super happy and I'm going to embrace the happiness in my life.