SO I knew it was going to happen. As soon as I returned from Thanksgiving break the stress was going to start...and just keep building and building... closing in on me. It's like the stress is broken up into 4 walls that are creating pressure on me... One wall being grades, mainly. I feel as if the pressure to get all A's again is driving me crazy sometimes. But I can't stop myself, I can't just say, "Oh it doesn't matter if I get a B on this project..." I feel like I just always do the absolute best I can on everything which of course, takes time, but if I don't I just am not satisfied with myself. I guess it comes from my constant drive to be great or the best at everything I ever try to do and if I come across something that I can't do I generally avoid it...(Sports, anyone?) And if I am not at the top of my game 24/7 I just feel lousy. For example, today I felt like I had a bad day in Acting class...and it just gets me down and I shouldn't let it get to me that much but it does.
And I feel like I don't have enough time to get anything done because I am rehearsing all the time, now rehearsals for Fat Men in Skirts is coming on strong, 3 hours a day with weekends off but then on the weekends I have Kapow rehearsals, and on top of that I am now in a directing scene again... and in the midst of this are my birthday, my boyfriends birthday, AND my best friend's birthday celebrations. Yay for me and the closest people's in my lives birthdays falling on the most stressful point of the semester! haha. So it sucks, because I want to be all celebratory, obviously but I feel like in the back of my head I am going to be thinking that I should be working on my basic project... because all the other times I'm rehearsing or in class!
And then on top of everything else I have to worry about the state of our apartment... and of course it's cluttered at the moment. There is always clothes strewn about the bedroom, and I'm working on my basic project so that stuff is out in the living room, and its not even GROSS at all its just cluttered, but of course we get a room inspection yesterday and the only reason we didn't fail is because Robin was like crying at the time because she is stressed out as well...uhhh..
And then I'm trying to lose some weight and work out but I never have time to and I just still feel gross and I need to get my hair trimmed and cut because its like straw at the ends and the color is grown out so I just feel really.. not attractive 99% of the time.
So yeah in general I am stressed, feeling not good enough, overworked, exhausted, and ugly.
And as much as I kind of would say CHRISTMAS COME ALREADY... I kind of don't... like it would be great if classes just ceased and everyone was still here and we could all live here for 2 weeks... but just actually going HOME is stressful to me... and over Thanksgiving I realized how much I really missed my dad and how weird sometimes it is that I feel out of place in my own home on the holidays.
I love my stepfamily, I really do, they are all great and I have nothing bad I could say about them, but its weird because it is me, my mom, my stepdad, his parents, and his daughters. I never see anyone else in my actual family because for one, half of them still live in Germany, and the other half doesn't speak to my mom and they live in Chicago anyways. My step-sisters kind of trade off and will spend half of a holiday with us then half with their mom, but it's like I don't get to see anyone else in my family. And sometimes everyone will be over and it's weird to think that I'm not actually related to anyone here but my mom. No matter how hard you try to fit yourself into this new family, it's never going to be the same as if they WERE your family, you know? Idk. Maybe eventually they will start to feel like real family... it is just hard to explain I suppose unless you know where I'm coming from! And I was telling this to my mom and she told me, "Well they are your family now" and it's just weird to say that this is my like immediate family when it ISNT! They are all great and wonderful people but I can't just make my brain believe they are like my actual family... I mean my mom is closer to them because, obviously, she's married to my step dad so she is with him and the family all of the time, but I'm in college gone for months at a time and then when I come home it doesn't feel like true "family" time.
The last time I have even felt like I spent a Christmas with all my family was when my Uncle from Germany came to visit us while my Dad was in the hospital, and then he was on remission for a few weeks during Christmas and we all spent that together. And that was probably 4 years ago or so?
Sometimes I'm envious of people who have these large families and have all this fun without anything being awkward...
Idk. Holidays are just weird sometimes and I have just been really feeling it lately. I hope it won't be that bad this Christmas... I just miss the way things used to be sometimes.
Uhhhdsf;adsjf;lkjsd. I dont even know.
I'm glad though that I have great friends and a wonderful boyfriend who supports me and who understands the things I am going through right now =]
And I'm in shows, and having fun and doing pretty well in my classes...and I am healthy. So I really don't have too much to complain about, I suppose... I just am really stresseeeddddd!!! ahh
