Okay. So if you read my blog you may have noticed I had not been feeling quite up to par lately.
After having a couple really great conversations with friends and making personal realizations that have put things into perspective for me- I have literally made a mental 180. And it truly is miraculous what can happen when you just DECIDE to make a positive shift- almost immediately I receiged the biggest/most lucrative writing assignment yet (bringing me closer and closer to my goal of quitting the restaurant biz!) and have received some really uplifting encouragement from the most unexpected of places.
Just putting myself out there, taking charge and re-connecting with old friends has really helped alot. I realized that I can't just expect people to bend over backwards to want to hang out with me, I have to put an effort in myself. And doing that has proven to be most beneficial.
It has also helped me tremendously to just count my blessings...be grateful for the great things in my life and to stop worrying and stressing about the things I don't have yet, or that haven't come into place yet. Just accepting what IS...is a very liberating concept. Of course, one should always be making efforts to improve and challenge themselves and further their career- but I think it's so important to realize the things you can and that you can't change, and accept where you are in life, and do all you can to change things for the better. But it's imperative to remember that certain things may not change immediately just because you want them to, and everything has its right timing. So patience is key. It's hard at times, oh is it hard- but making the best of the state you are in at this present moment is going to make you so much happier!
At this point in my life, I feel like I am glimpsing things turning around, finally. I've quit the job that had made me anxious and not very happy, and I am not officially done with training at Taco Mac and start my first shift Saturday. (Which is a double. Ugh. But at least I'll get some monayy! haha) I think it's definitely a more positive environment, and much nicer for my gas tank, too :)
I've also signed officially with Real People Models & Talent. I'm excited to see where this takes me, and with the onslaught of new movies being filmed here, there's no telling just what the industry has up its sleeve for me. Maybe I'll be on your movie screen soon ;) There are also SETC and UPTA auditions coming up and it would be pretty great to get some theatre work, especially musical theatre- seeing as how much I miss it! I actually really miss singing in general. I would love to take some voice lessons but just can't afford it right now, unfortunately...but soon I will get myself a keyboard and I can start my new endeavor of singing/songwriting which I am really excited about- so I suppose then I'll be singing :) I think that I'm going to start out doing covers, mainly until I start writing some songs. That will be alot of fun, I think!
I also think I want to start painting again...in my apartment there is this little sunny nook by the balcony that is tiled that I think would make the most perfect little area to set up an easel and just paint. Granted, I need to get some supplies, but once I have a surplus of money to spend I think I may just slowly build up some art supplies and paint again. We're going to need some decorations for the living room as I have hung up all my old paintings in my bedroom, hehe.
Anyways, I am just feeling generally really good and in a good mood lately, and it's literally because I decided to. Never underestimate the power of positive thoughts- you really have so much more power than you think to control your mood. If you are constantly being swayed by circumstances surrounding you and wallowing in negativity, of course that will always breed negativity and unfortunate situations. So smile more. Do something nice for someone. Just decide to be happy. And you will. :)
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
I don't know what it is about me lately, but I've been feeling so darn emotional! Why! Why this outpouring of emotions coming at me randomly?!
Perhaps it is all the alone time I have had lately to be able to really think.
I've just been in a strange little funk, and I don't like it.
Sometimes I find myself even, well, sad at times. Granted, I realize my life could be alot worse. I mean, I'm living in my own apartment in Atlanta, pursuing what I love, and experiencing some successes, however minor they may be.
But I do have to say the grandeur of city life is not exactly what I thought it would be. Instead of going out and experiencing fun nightlife and exciting adventures nonstop like I was sure I would be doing, I find myself just sitting around my apartment by myself...watching Youtube video clips of "My Strange Addiction" or what have you. Reading random Yahoo articles. Eating.
And it seems like the people I thought I would be hanging out with alot seem caught up with other people and things, and my ever-so-passive nature just dismisses it and lets it happen. It's weird- I'm so incredibly pro-active with my career and the things I want, yet I can be so amazingly passive when it comes to my relationships with people. And now that I'm no longer in the safety net of college, where I am required to always hang out and maintain relationships with my peers, I find myself just letting friendships melt away...letting myself lose touch with people... which in turn makes me feel well, lonely.
Loneliness is not a feeling I'm used to. At ALL. In college I valued my alone time greatly. I literally don't think there was a moment that I felt bored, or lonely- because in the spare chance I had, say, an evening or afternoon all to myself, I completely relished in it.
However now I'm swimming in alone time, which is not necessarily a bad thing. But it also allows me to overthink situations and realize just how much I think I took people for granted. And realizing something like that always puts a sour taste in your mouth.... =/
Connecting with people on certain levels is something that I struggle with. I mean, it's pretty easy for me to make acquaintances and connect with people on a surface level. However, I've always been the person who has a small, select group of really close friends who truly know everything about me. And that's not to say that I have deep dark secrets and skeletons in my closet or what have you, haha, but I just have a hard time really opening up to people at times. And that's not to say that I haven't met some truly amazing people to be friends with here in the past few months, but I sometimes worry about being invasive on their life-long friendships- me being the "new girl" so to speak.
I guess it's weird because I don't really have any "roots" here, per se. Not that I really did in Columbus at first either- but going into college and especially studying theatre, you create roots easily, and I did have them for the 4 years I attended CSU. And I know that there are people from CSU that are here in Atlanta, but alot of the time I feel like we are doing such different things that I still have a hard time connecting, unfortunately.
Disconnected really is the best word for how I feel right now. From friends, from the world, from myself. I really hope this passes soon, because it is quite the unsettling feeling! And I know I normally am always the cheerful, look on the bright side type of person, so it's weird for me to be feeling a little down...and I feel like nobody really understands exactly what I'm going through so I don't want to just sit and complain about it...hence why I have been having some rather personal posts lately on my blog.
I just miss certain things. Like theatre. I really miss theatre, honestly. I think I miss it because of the connection I felt throughout the whole process- the connection to a character, to my fellow actors in the show, to the story, to the audience during production...it's really a huge collaboration and shared art that it's impossible to not feel connected to anything.
I'm just struggling in this transition phase. And even though I'm technically all transitioned into my new place, new city, etc....I'm undergoing an internal transition which is hardest of all, really. I'm so used to focusing on myself and my needs 24/7 in college and while it paid off, I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of myself. Is that weird? Like, I obviously am still very focused on my career and am trying to make things happen, but at this point I just want more than that.
I don't know what that means exactly, but when I figure it out I'll let you know.
Perhaps it is all the alone time I have had lately to be able to really think.
I've just been in a strange little funk, and I don't like it.
Sometimes I find myself even, well, sad at times. Granted, I realize my life could be alot worse. I mean, I'm living in my own apartment in Atlanta, pursuing what I love, and experiencing some successes, however minor they may be.
But I do have to say the grandeur of city life is not exactly what I thought it would be. Instead of going out and experiencing fun nightlife and exciting adventures nonstop like I was sure I would be doing, I find myself just sitting around my apartment by myself...watching Youtube video clips of "My Strange Addiction" or what have you. Reading random Yahoo articles. Eating.
And it seems like the people I thought I would be hanging out with alot seem caught up with other people and things, and my ever-so-passive nature just dismisses it and lets it happen. It's weird- I'm so incredibly pro-active with my career and the things I want, yet I can be so amazingly passive when it comes to my relationships with people. And now that I'm no longer in the safety net of college, where I am required to always hang out and maintain relationships with my peers, I find myself just letting friendships melt away...letting myself lose touch with people... which in turn makes me feel well, lonely.
Loneliness is not a feeling I'm used to. At ALL. In college I valued my alone time greatly. I literally don't think there was a moment that I felt bored, or lonely- because in the spare chance I had, say, an evening or afternoon all to myself, I completely relished in it.
However now I'm swimming in alone time, which is not necessarily a bad thing. But it also allows me to overthink situations and realize just how much I think I took people for granted. And realizing something like that always puts a sour taste in your mouth.... =/
Connecting with people on certain levels is something that I struggle with. I mean, it's pretty easy for me to make acquaintances and connect with people on a surface level. However, I've always been the person who has a small, select group of really close friends who truly know everything about me. And that's not to say that I have deep dark secrets and skeletons in my closet or what have you, haha, but I just have a hard time really opening up to people at times. And that's not to say that I haven't met some truly amazing people to be friends with here in the past few months, but I sometimes worry about being invasive on their life-long friendships- me being the "new girl" so to speak.
I guess it's weird because I don't really have any "roots" here, per se. Not that I really did in Columbus at first either- but going into college and especially studying theatre, you create roots easily, and I did have them for the 4 years I attended CSU. And I know that there are people from CSU that are here in Atlanta, but alot of the time I feel like we are doing such different things that I still have a hard time connecting, unfortunately.
Disconnected really is the best word for how I feel right now. From friends, from the world, from myself. I really hope this passes soon, because it is quite the unsettling feeling! And I know I normally am always the cheerful, look on the bright side type of person, so it's weird for me to be feeling a little down...and I feel like nobody really understands exactly what I'm going through so I don't want to just sit and complain about it...hence why I have been having some rather personal posts lately on my blog.
I just miss certain things. Like theatre. I really miss theatre, honestly. I think I miss it because of the connection I felt throughout the whole process- the connection to a character, to my fellow actors in the show, to the story, to the audience during production...it's really a huge collaboration and shared art that it's impossible to not feel connected to anything.
I'm just struggling in this transition phase. And even though I'm technically all transitioned into my new place, new city, etc....I'm undergoing an internal transition which is hardest of all, really. I'm so used to focusing on myself and my needs 24/7 in college and while it paid off, I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of myself. Is that weird? Like, I obviously am still very focused on my career and am trying to make things happen, but at this point I just want more than that.
I don't know what that means exactly, but when I figure it out I'll let you know.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Stagnant.
I dub this summer "Stagnant Summer."
As much as I love summertime because I truly enjoy frolicking in water, being able to wear rompers outdoors and not worrying about staying warm- I feel as though it is just time for it to be over!
I declared that this fall is when things would seriously start turning around for me, especially career-wise, so I think I'm just getting impatient. I'm just ready to leap! I'm ready to quit serving for good, book some large gigs, and pursue what I love to do full-time, no questions asked. I KNOW it doesn't happen right away. I'm not stupid. But it's oh, so hard to remain patient at times!
I think it's just going to take some risks for me to be really happy. For example, I'm about to sign an exclusive contract with a bigger ATL based agency than the one I'm with now...and while it may be a risky move- I think it may be just what I need to kickstart everything into motion! I'm a huge believer in following your gut and instincts, and taking opportunities when they fall into your lap. Everything is put in your path for a reason, so I feel that it would definitely be a good idea.
Along with taking leaps in my career, I think I may be at this point where I can take leaps in my personal life as well. I'm unbelievably guarded at times, especially when it comes to issues of the heart- I don't want to hurt people and of course I don't want to be hurt as well. (Who does?) So in essence I just don't *allow* myself to feel certain things, constantly upholding my fiercely independent ways to the core. I've always lived with this philosophy that me and my career is of utmost importance no matter what. (Selfish? Maybe. Necessary? Yes.) I strongly believe that I absolutely could not be at the point I am right now if it wasn't for this mindset, especially through my college years.
However, now that I'm settled a bit into my "adult life" and my career is at a point where I feel like I have control of the reins, so to speak- I can almost begin to see myself dissolving a bit of that brick wall that usually surrounds me. I actually find myself craving companionship more than my alone time sometime, which is highly unusual for me if you know me.
Granted, this personal transition and realization is absolutely terrifying to say the least. Being one that can honestly say I've never experienced my heart broken by another person completely- the notion that this could happen if I start to allow myself to open up is so extremely scary. I'm so afraid of putting myself out there and literally run the other direction at the first hint of rejection. I'm so afraid of being "that needy girl" that I probably can seem cold-hearted at times, but it's just really my way of protecting myself, from, well-myself.
Really, I wish I wasn't so darn awkward.
As much as I love summertime because I truly enjoy frolicking in water, being able to wear rompers outdoors and not worrying about staying warm- I feel as though it is just time for it to be over!
I declared that this fall is when things would seriously start turning around for me, especially career-wise, so I think I'm just getting impatient. I'm just ready to leap! I'm ready to quit serving for good, book some large gigs, and pursue what I love to do full-time, no questions asked. I KNOW it doesn't happen right away. I'm not stupid. But it's oh, so hard to remain patient at times!
I think it's just going to take some risks for me to be really happy. For example, I'm about to sign an exclusive contract with a bigger ATL based agency than the one I'm with now...and while it may be a risky move- I think it may be just what I need to kickstart everything into motion! I'm a huge believer in following your gut and instincts, and taking opportunities when they fall into your lap. Everything is put in your path for a reason, so I feel that it would definitely be a good idea.
Along with taking leaps in my career, I think I may be at this point where I can take leaps in my personal life as well. I'm unbelievably guarded at times, especially when it comes to issues of the heart- I don't want to hurt people and of course I don't want to be hurt as well. (Who does?) So in essence I just don't *allow* myself to feel certain things, constantly upholding my fiercely independent ways to the core. I've always lived with this philosophy that me and my career is of utmost importance no matter what. (Selfish? Maybe. Necessary? Yes.) I strongly believe that I absolutely could not be at the point I am right now if it wasn't for this mindset, especially through my college years.
However, now that I'm settled a bit into my "adult life" and my career is at a point where I feel like I have control of the reins, so to speak- I can almost begin to see myself dissolving a bit of that brick wall that usually surrounds me. I actually find myself craving companionship more than my alone time sometime, which is highly unusual for me if you know me.
Granted, this personal transition and realization is absolutely terrifying to say the least. Being one that can honestly say I've never experienced my heart broken by another person completely- the notion that this could happen if I start to allow myself to open up is so extremely scary. I'm so afraid of putting myself out there and literally run the other direction at the first hint of rejection. I'm so afraid of being "that needy girl" that I probably can seem cold-hearted at times, but it's just really my way of protecting myself, from, well-myself.
Really, I wish I wasn't so darn awkward.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Odd Things I've Done.
Posing with cats (preferably clothed) is a popular pastime of mine.
I let Robin "dress me up." This was obviously a bad decision.
I just decided that paper would make great facial hair for some reason.
Posing with life-size donuts is always a fun time.
I turned myself into the Bride of Chucky for a costume contest. Pretty craycray.
Monday, July 11, 2011
My honest and uncensored thoughts on...
Planking.
OMG YOU'RE SO COOL BECAUSE YOU LAID DOWN FACE FIRST ON A RANDOM OBJECT LOLOMG
I'm sorry. You're dumb.
The Casey Anthony Case.
In the great words of Antoine Dodson,
That is all.
Hair Feathers.
Um...I'm sorry. Gluing fishing bait into your hair ala Steven Tyler and Ke$ha just creeps me out. I have no idea how/why this is such a huge craze right now but I just feel like it's dumb and those feathers just look gross for some reason...like...ehh. No feathers for me, thanks.
Post-College Life.
There are some parts about my post-college life that are super awesome: No class for example. Or having to deal with financial aid. Or knowing I don't have to study for an exam. Or write a paper. (Hmm. Well as a freelance writer I still kind of have to do that...although instead of a grade I get money. So I guess that's an upgrade of sorts!) Although there are some parts that are just straight up weird/annoying at the moment. For one, at the moment I'm feeling really disconnected/detached form friends that I used to be attached at the hip with. It's just...odd. I mean I understand it's naturally going to happen, but it's weird to get used to. And I mean I have other new friends that I've gotten closer to over the last few months which is nice. But I just feel like I keep detaching myself from people and I don't know why! I mean...yes...I'm independent and I have always been. But I see myself involuntarily detaching myself more and more from people. I don't know why I do it! But that's something I just need to figure out. Meh. /endtherapysession.
Boys.
Hey boy! It's painfully obvious I like you! If you like me too...awesome. You should let me know. If you don't...not awesome, but I still need to know so that I can stop feeling like some weird anomaly! I just want to know if we're on the same page, that is all.
(I'm too chicken to address this because I'm scared and severely lacking in courage at the moment.I refuse to be judged. You know you all do it too. )
Shadyness.
Stop being shady, people. It's not cool.
OMG YOU'RE SO COOL BECAUSE YOU LAID DOWN FACE FIRST ON A RANDOM OBJECT LOLOMG
I'm sorry. You're dumb.
The Casey Anthony Case.
In the great words of Antoine Dodson,
Hair Feathers.
Um...I'm sorry. Gluing fishing bait into your hair ala Steven Tyler and Ke$ha just creeps me out. I have no idea how/why this is such a huge craze right now but I just feel like it's dumb and those feathers just look gross for some reason...like...ehh. No feathers for me, thanks.
Post-College Life.
There are some parts about my post-college life that are super awesome: No class for example. Or having to deal with financial aid. Or knowing I don't have to study for an exam. Or write a paper. (Hmm. Well as a freelance writer I still kind of have to do that...although instead of a grade I get money. So I guess that's an upgrade of sorts!) Although there are some parts that are just straight up weird/annoying at the moment. For one, at the moment I'm feeling really disconnected/detached form friends that I used to be attached at the hip with. It's just...odd. I mean I understand it's naturally going to happen, but it's weird to get used to. And I mean I have other new friends that I've gotten closer to over the last few months which is nice. But I just feel like I keep detaching myself from people and I don't know why! I mean...yes...I'm independent and I have always been. But I see myself involuntarily detaching myself more and more from people. I don't know why I do it! But that's something I just need to figure out. Meh. /endtherapysession.
Boys.
Hey boy! It's painfully obvious I like you! If you like me too...awesome. You should let me know. If you don't...not awesome, but I still need to know so that I can stop feeling like some weird anomaly! I just want to know if we're on the same page, that is all.
(I'm too chicken to address this because I'm scared and severely lacking in courage at the moment.I refuse to be judged. You know you all do it too. )
Shadyness.
Stop being shady, people. It's not cool.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Help me!
Hello friends!
Feeling like a good Samaritan? Well, there are a couple ways that I can use you guys' help right now.
Why would you want to help me?
Well, 1.) It would help me get a little bit of an income so that I can live my life not having nervous breakdowns about paying bills, 2.) All those warm fuzzy feelings you get from helping people will be rampantly coursing through your veins, and 3.) You may get a chuckle or two and/or actually find something useful!
So how exactly can you help me? Well there are a couple projects I've got going on that can take maybe 5 minutes total of your time.
The first one is for this modeling casting call that is relying on promotion from their facebook page in order to choose their models. It is for a jewelry line called Shore Side Jewelry Co. and the selected models get a pretty great (paid!) shoot/opportunities. All you have to do is "Like" their FB Page by clicking here and then subsequently "Like" the photo of me here. That's it! Just a few seconds of your time. I know all you are doing is watching youtube videos of cats, anyways. So just take one second to help a sistah out and I would be so very grateful!
How else can you help me?
Well, I actually work for this site called Best 5 Everything which is basically a compilation of lists created by the users. Through the site alone you can win points which can be redeemable for Amazon giftcards or the proceeds can be donated through charities- however I'm working for a separate client, albeit through this website. Essentially, I just need page views on my lists! Some of my favorites/most helpful include:
Thanks everyone so much!
Feeling like a good Samaritan? Well, there are a couple ways that I can use you guys' help right now.
Why would you want to help me?
Well, 1.) It would help me get a little bit of an income so that I can live my life not having nervous breakdowns about paying bills, 2.) All those warm fuzzy feelings you get from helping people will be rampantly coursing through your veins, and 3.) You may get a chuckle or two and/or actually find something useful!
So how exactly can you help me? Well there are a couple projects I've got going on that can take maybe 5 minutes total of your time.
The first one is for this modeling casting call that is relying on promotion from their facebook page in order to choose their models. It is for a jewelry line called Shore Side Jewelry Co. and the selected models get a pretty great (paid!) shoot/opportunities. All you have to do is "Like" their FB Page by clicking here and then subsequently "Like" the photo of me here. That's it! Just a few seconds of your time. I know all you are doing is watching youtube videos of cats, anyways. So just take one second to help a sistah out and I would be so very grateful!
How else can you help me?
Well, I actually work for this site called Best 5 Everything which is basically a compilation of lists created by the users. Through the site alone you can win points which can be redeemable for Amazon giftcards or the proceeds can be donated through charities- however I'm working for a separate client, albeit through this website. Essentially, I just need page views on my lists! Some of my favorites/most helpful include:
- The Best 5 Reasons To Use Twitter
- The Best 4 Free Atlanta Actor Casting Call Sites
- Best 5 Ways to Waste Time on the Internet
Thanks everyone so much!
Monday, July 4, 2011
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