As I look back on my slightly deluded love life (or lack thereof) it is really quite humorous when you look at it. I mean, seriously- like every day I get hit on by the randomest of men whose direct bluntness about it all takes me off guard and makes me wonder why it is that I get so much unwanted attention, yet with the guys that I am actually interested in, it's like I'm completely invisible.
Can someone explain that to me?!
I mean, seriously. Not that I'm so incredibly desperate to have a boyfriend or anything (while it would be nice,) I'm just trying to figure out what the deal is.
And then to just further complicate matters, I'm completely hopeless when it comes to reading other guys. Like, there is someone in my life that everyone says is totally into me. But I don't know, to me I just don't get that. We're friends, and while I admit I am possibly toying with the notion of something more- I just don't really get these strong signals that everyone else apparently sees! So basically: I'm retarded and I create signals in my mind from guys that AREN'T interested in me, but when someone may actually be, I literally am oblivious to it. Meh.
The bottom line here is maybe the life of a cat lady isn't so bad? I mean, you have an excuse to just be crazy and wear bizarre sweaters and host tea parties and collect kitschy knick-knacks and have a never-ending supply of incense and potpourri.
On a completely unrelated topic- can I just say that I have literally been OBSESSED with my nails lately?! It's so strange. I used to bite them incessantly and never ever had nice nails and just resigned myself with the notion of having little boy hands and wearing false nails when the occasion calls for it, but I have been taking these biotin supplements and just, well, NOT biting them and now they are beautimus! The thing is, I've gotten really into nail-art and nail trends and what not and it's like this whole new world that has been opened up to me. But then...it also becomes a sort of obsession...like whenever I do my nails, and then they start chipping, I have to immediately take it all off and re-do my manicure completely, instead of just touching it up. It's turned into a hobby. But I like it!
Also, just as a general update on life- my new work schedule is literally amazing and I'm a million times happier than I have been. So that's good.
I leave for Germany in two weeks. Life is grand.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Regaining Control.
Over the past few months, I realized that I somehow lost control of my life. I was working 50-60 hours a week at a job I don't necessarily care for with no time to devote to my actual career, health, well-being, etc. etc. etc.
Add to that a pretty unhealthy "relationship" (If you can even call it that) and yeah. I was not really too well off. I was in a really low emotional state about a month ago. It took a phone call from the coordinator of the web-series I film for every week saying how I wasn't myself anymore to get me to realize that there needed to be a change, and soon! Literally everything was spiraling out of control in my life. On my days off, I was so tired all I ever did was lay around. I was too tired to even workout, so I was gaining weight and eating unhealthy foods...basically I just felt awful all around. To make matters worse, I felt like my agency was sort of giving me the run around based on some technical issues and it seemed like I was stuck there, too. After realizing my career was basically at a standstill and I was absolutely miserable, I decided in one moment that I was not going to continue to live this way.
So, I basically altered my schedule the way I wanted and told my manager if I could not get those hours then I would have to leave. I also decided to call my agency every single day basically until I got what I wanted.
2 weeks later, I have the perfect schedule, and today I filmed a video audition with my agency to send to the casting directors of Army Wives for an episodic role. I've already lost a few lbs. because of my time to work out again and I feel a million times better.
I'm just so incredibly thankful and blessed that things have worked out the way that they have, and I can't stress enough that if you are unhappy with your current situation in life, there IS something you can do. Always. Granted, it may take a little time, but if you really want a change, you are able to change it.
I've also made another great realization- I absolutely do NOT deserve to be treated the way I have allowed myself to be treated with guys. Obviously, if a guy is truly interested he will make time for you and let you know that. There will be no ignoring for weeks at a time, or keeping you around to make themselves feel better during moments if insecurity or when there are no other girls available. Apparently lately I've been completely deluded into thinking there could ever be more than what there was with a certain somebody whom I really cared about (and still do, but in a different way.) It sucks, because you know when you meet that person that you just click with so well, who shares so many of your same interests and passions, but when you find out that they are not at all what you thought they were? Yeah. I'm sick of that happening. I just feel like I deserve to be treated with nothing but the utmost of respect. So yeah. I'm taking back control in that regard as well.
In other news, I got the iPhone 4s! Basically, I knew I was going to get it for Christmas/bday, but my old phone broke AND I was due for an upgrade, so fate stepped in basically and I decided to get my present a little early since I was completely phoneless for a couple of days. And I'm essentially in love with it. Like, I don't know how I even survived before?! ha. And Siri is fantastic! It's literally crazy amazing.
Anyways, long story short, I'm very content at this present moment. I feel like only great things are coming my way. AND I get to visit Germany in a couple weeks! Ahh! I'm so excited to get on a plane, get out of the country for a while, and get back to my roots. :)
Add to that a pretty unhealthy "relationship" (If you can even call it that) and yeah. I was not really too well off. I was in a really low emotional state about a month ago. It took a phone call from the coordinator of the web-series I film for every week saying how I wasn't myself anymore to get me to realize that there needed to be a change, and soon! Literally everything was spiraling out of control in my life. On my days off, I was so tired all I ever did was lay around. I was too tired to even workout, so I was gaining weight and eating unhealthy foods...basically I just felt awful all around. To make matters worse, I felt like my agency was sort of giving me the run around based on some technical issues and it seemed like I was stuck there, too. After realizing my career was basically at a standstill and I was absolutely miserable, I decided in one moment that I was not going to continue to live this way.
So, I basically altered my schedule the way I wanted and told my manager if I could not get those hours then I would have to leave. I also decided to call my agency every single day basically until I got what I wanted.
2 weeks later, I have the perfect schedule, and today I filmed a video audition with my agency to send to the casting directors of Army Wives for an episodic role. I've already lost a few lbs. because of my time to work out again and I feel a million times better.
I'm just so incredibly thankful and blessed that things have worked out the way that they have, and I can't stress enough that if you are unhappy with your current situation in life, there IS something you can do. Always. Granted, it may take a little time, but if you really want a change, you are able to change it.
I've also made another great realization- I absolutely do NOT deserve to be treated the way I have allowed myself to be treated with guys. Obviously, if a guy is truly interested he will make time for you and let you know that. There will be no ignoring for weeks at a time, or keeping you around to make themselves feel better during moments if insecurity or when there are no other girls available. Apparently lately I've been completely deluded into thinking there could ever be more than what there was with a certain somebody whom I really cared about (and still do, but in a different way.) It sucks, because you know when you meet that person that you just click with so well, who shares so many of your same interests and passions, but when you find out that they are not at all what you thought they were? Yeah. I'm sick of that happening. I just feel like I deserve to be treated with nothing but the utmost of respect. So yeah. I'm taking back control in that regard as well.
In other news, I got the iPhone 4s! Basically, I knew I was going to get it for Christmas/bday, but my old phone broke AND I was due for an upgrade, so fate stepped in basically and I decided to get my present a little early since I was completely phoneless for a couple of days. And I'm essentially in love with it. Like, I don't know how I even survived before?! ha. And Siri is fantastic! It's literally crazy amazing.
Anyways, long story short, I'm very content at this present moment. I feel like only great things are coming my way. AND I get to visit Germany in a couple weeks! Ahh! I'm so excited to get on a plane, get out of the country for a while, and get back to my roots. :)
Saturday, September 10, 2011
It's time for the tides to turn.
Fall is here, folks. Can you feel the freshness in the air?! Ugh. It makes me overwhelming happy to be free from the stagnant summer of 2011. You've heard me go on and on about this, but seriously- this summer has just not been the greatest in the world for me. But you know what? In light of recent realizations and with the advent of a new season, I can already feel things changing for the better. For one, I'm making pretty good money at Taco Mac with the beginning of football season! Granted, I'm being worked...alot. (14 hr days anyone?!) But monetarily it's all good in the hood if you know what I'm sayin'. Also, I know it seems minor- but I now actually have a couch and working washing machine in my apartment! This is a huge step to making my apt. feel more cozy and like a living space instead of a dorm. It is a pretty great couch too, I must say, esp. for it being from Goodwill! Now all we need is a coffee table, TV, entertainment center and some dining room furniture and we'll be set for cozy livin'.
In addition to all that, I came across a sort of epiphany with this whole situation that's been plaguing me about this guy. I realized that even though I was getting some positive signals, what it all boils down to is if someone really wants to pursue something with you and see you, they will find a way. It's that simple. It's like that book, "He's just not that into you." It sucks- but once your realize it, it's so freeing! It's like- there's no use struggling and fighting tooth and nail for something that isn't there. So I just gave it up, and I feel great! :)
So yeah, things are definitely on the upswing and I'm very grateful. I'm not letting myself wallow in negative thoughts any longer.
In addition to all that, I came across a sort of epiphany with this whole situation that's been plaguing me about this guy. I realized that even though I was getting some positive signals, what it all boils down to is if someone really wants to pursue something with you and see you, they will find a way. It's that simple. It's like that book, "He's just not that into you." It sucks- but once your realize it, it's so freeing! It's like- there's no use struggling and fighting tooth and nail for something that isn't there. So I just gave it up, and I feel great! :)
So yeah, things are definitely on the upswing and I'm very grateful. I'm not letting myself wallow in negative thoughts any longer.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Because I am trying to not seem like a debbie downer in other social media networking sites- I'll let it all out here.
I'm really not happy right now.
I just got off a 16 hour shift. As in...I got to work at 10 AM and did not leave until like 2:00 AM. With no break. It was the start of football so things were absolutely INSANELY busy...my feet literally feel like they are about to fall off. Ugh. Granted- I made a lot of money tonight, but it all needs to go towards things like bills and paying for my passport, etc.
Lately I feel that is all I have been able to do with my life is just work work work. No time to be social, no time for creativity and anything artistic that actually makes me happy- just work. And I tell you what, I'm weary. Physically. Emotionally. Absolutely drained.
And in addition to that I'm just sad because I'm making realizations that are extremely difficult to come to terms with and that of course is a burden on me.
SO basically right now I feel tired, drained, lonely, and sad.
And on top of that I'm still dealing with the whole post-college transition which if course is still difficult.
Long story short- things have definitely been better in my life.
I'm still waiting on confirmation of certain things from my agent before I can even start booking, too, so that is frustrating of course.
I just want things to turn around. Desperately!
=/
I'm really not happy right now.
I just got off a 16 hour shift. As in...I got to work at 10 AM and did not leave until like 2:00 AM. With no break. It was the start of football so things were absolutely INSANELY busy...my feet literally feel like they are about to fall off. Ugh. Granted- I made a lot of money tonight, but it all needs to go towards things like bills and paying for my passport, etc.
Lately I feel that is all I have been able to do with my life is just work work work. No time to be social, no time for creativity and anything artistic that actually makes me happy- just work. And I tell you what, I'm weary. Physically. Emotionally. Absolutely drained.
And in addition to that I'm just sad because I'm making realizations that are extremely difficult to come to terms with and that of course is a burden on me.
SO basically right now I feel tired, drained, lonely, and sad.
And on top of that I'm still dealing with the whole post-college transition which if course is still difficult.
Long story short- things have definitely been better in my life.
I'm still waiting on confirmation of certain things from my agent before I can even start booking, too, so that is frustrating of course.
I just want things to turn around. Desperately!
=/
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Guess what I did last week?
Jumped out of a plane.
No, seriously, I did.
Me and some good friends of mine decided to go skydiving, and...can I just say...it was one of the most AMAZING experiences of my ENTIRE life.
Like...I'm almost positive there is nothing more scary than jumping out of a plane and freefalling...but the feeling you get once you've landed is one of utmost accomplishment. It's like- man, I've jumped out of a freaking PLANE. I can do ANYTHINNG!!!
It's like nothing in this world can even scare you because you've just done the scariest thing you could possibly do. At least for me it was. I was in tears on the plane from the general overwhelming fear that consumed me and of what I was about to do.
But I'm so glad I did!
I seriously would recommend it to anybody. It's something I think everyone HAS to experience at least once, no matter how scared they are of it. It will make you feel like an entirely brand new person...seriously.
But you know what's funny? I have the courage to jump out of a plane yet I find that lately I'm lacking courage to just have a singular conversation with someone, because I'm so terrified of the results. Don't you wish you could just say whatever you wanted to say without any repercussions?! Sigh. I just wish I could stop thinking about this certain situation and just continue life as it was before it all came about. But alas. I'm just feeling really conflicted and it's not the greatest of feelings in the world, but I'm a strong girl.
Sometimes, though I get tired of always being the strong, independent one all the time.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
I don't know why, but lately I've felt super emotional. Like way more than I usually am. I don't know what it is, but it's really strange...like...I can cry at the drop of a hat, or get REALLY angry about something small. I usually am so laid-back and can easily brush things off my shoulders, but for some reason things have been hitting me hard lately. It's weird. Meh. At least it may be good for my acting..? Ha!
Anyways, lately life has been a little...well.. not hard. But a bit of a struggle at times. I work all the time at Taco Mac, and while most of the time it's not too bad, I just feel like I live there basically. And it's rough because serving is not always the easiest job. Granted, I make pretty good money which allows me to live somewhat comfortably at the present moment, but it's almost not worth it. I said ALMOST. ha. I do enjoy the funds! :) But it just makes me long for the days when I can operate solely from freelancing writing/acting/playing music. It's hard also because I still have my writing gigs, so sometimes I have to spend half the day writing and the other half at Taco Mac. But it's okay.
So something else that's been going on my life is that there is this guy, right? And it's like...being around him makes me feel so incredibly happy and comfortable and like all is right with the world, but things are not very...definite. And in a way that is good, because I don't think either of us are really ready for something very definite at the moment, but at the same time this whole situation scares me, alot, because I feel like I am at this point where I am allowing myself to get hurt even though we are not even at any definite state. I'm afraid of pushing him away, so I don't want to make things weird by bringing up the "what are we?" conversation...But I just find myself in a dilemma because there are these other guys that want to go on dates with me and pursue something and I just find myself closing them off because I can't really put my heart into it. I just feel like it's almost not fair to them to do so, even though others say I should since I am not in any sort of committed relationship. Long story short- my "lovelife" is very complicated. I'm just letting things flow naturally and see how things go without trying to push anything. The last thing I want to do is push this person away from my life and scare them, as they are dealing with residual issues, which...aren't we all?
I don 't know what I really "want" from the situation per se....maybe just some sort of confirmation that I'm not the only one who feels the way I do. But oh little ole' me is so afraid to rock the boat. Le sigh. Well we'll just see what happens. I can be patient. I've been patient with every aspect in my life for the past few months and I can continue it!
Anyways, lately life has been a little...well.. not hard. But a bit of a struggle at times. I work all the time at Taco Mac, and while most of the time it's not too bad, I just feel like I live there basically. And it's rough because serving is not always the easiest job. Granted, I make pretty good money which allows me to live somewhat comfortably at the present moment, but it's almost not worth it. I said ALMOST. ha. I do enjoy the funds! :) But it just makes me long for the days when I can operate solely from freelancing writing/acting/playing music. It's hard also because I still have my writing gigs, so sometimes I have to spend half the day writing and the other half at Taco Mac. But it's okay.
So something else that's been going on my life is that there is this guy, right? And it's like...being around him makes me feel so incredibly happy and comfortable and like all is right with the world, but things are not very...definite. And in a way that is good, because I don't think either of us are really ready for something very definite at the moment, but at the same time this whole situation scares me, alot, because I feel like I am at this point where I am allowing myself to get hurt even though we are not even at any definite state. I'm afraid of pushing him away, so I don't want to make things weird by bringing up the "what are we?" conversation...But I just find myself in a dilemma because there are these other guys that want to go on dates with me and pursue something and I just find myself closing them off because I can't really put my heart into it. I just feel like it's almost not fair to them to do so, even though others say I should since I am not in any sort of committed relationship. Long story short- my "lovelife" is very complicated. I'm just letting things flow naturally and see how things go without trying to push anything. The last thing I want to do is push this person away from my life and scare them, as they are dealing with residual issues, which...aren't we all?
I don 't know what I really "want" from the situation per se....maybe just some sort of confirmation that I'm not the only one who feels the way I do. But oh little ole' me is so afraid to rock the boat. Le sigh. Well we'll just see what happens. I can be patient. I've been patient with every aspect in my life for the past few months and I can continue it!
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
And the summer ends...
Let me preface this post by saying this:
This summer has put me through the ringer emotionally, physically, and everything in between.
Transitioning from college to "real person" life is very hard, I must say. I had heard others talk about it and thought, nah, I'm sure it will be fine...but no. Seriously I don't think I have had this hard of a time adjusting to situations in a long time. I've had mini bouts of depression, mixed in with some really awesome times as well- so it's just been...weird.
Career-wise- it's been pretty exciting. I've got some cool things under my belt, and I feel like I'm just in this "brewing" phase...like in the next couple seasons I predict some majorly awesome things to happen and I'm just waiting right now. But it's okay- because fall is almost here! Yayy! But yeah, I mean it's been a little slow, not constant acting work or anything but that was to be expected. But with Backalley Strut's marketing material and fundraising campaigns about to start soon and some other projects in the works- I'm really excited about what is to come in the future- but I have to say, this summer has taught me alot about patience, ESPECIALLY when it comes to my career.
Job-wise, I've been through 2 different "survival" jobs. The first one didn't really work out, so I am at Taco Mac now and honestly it is working out so much better for me. I'm making a ton more money than I did before, and am actually pretty financially secure right now, which is an amazing feeling for sure! The only downfall here is that I'm working alot more. Like...I feel like I LIVE there. The good thing about that though, is that it kind of allows me to create friendly relationships with the other people I work with, and it will help me transition from "new girl" quicker. I already feel pretty assimilated, and this week has definitely been easier than the first. My first week I was scheduled for literally 8 shifts including 3 doubles...it was really rough, especially seeing as I'm just not used to that yet! It really drained me. But I think that I am getting more used to it now which is good. I don't foresee myself staying there FOREVER or anything, but it is a pretty positive environment, the clientele is easy-going, and I haven't had any real issues or anything. So that's always good.
Something else that's going on in my life right now that I'm SUPER excited about is that I'm in a band! It has not been officially named yet, however it includes me on the keys, Jonathan on guitar, Drew on guitar/bass, and probably other various people will join in with other instruments. We also all do the vocals so we 've got some pretty cool harmonies and such. We already wrote and recorded our first song. It isn't completely finished so it won't be released yet for a while- however it is so awesome to be able to hear something that you created completely on your own. I mean we all wrote the lyrics and music collectively and I've just been in a creative dreamworld being able to do something like that. I never thought I was capable of it and have always wanted to create music but didn't realize just how I would do it- but sometimes it's so crazy how you meet just the right people in your life that allow you to do all the things you wanted to do. I mean, conveniently, Drew actually owns his own recording studio, so what it would have cost thousands of dollars for others to do, we did...for free. And with Jon's video production skills we can have an epic music video as well. Basically- we have cheated the system ;) hehe. But anyways, I am lovin' our first song and can't wait for it to be released to the world...it's kind of surreal how quickly it all came about but I have a feeling that we're on to something here...
It really does feel good though to feel capable of expressing myself creatively in this new way- being able to write something that I and so many people can relate to! :)
This summer has put me through the ringer emotionally, physically, and everything in between.
Transitioning from college to "real person" life is very hard, I must say. I had heard others talk about it and thought, nah, I'm sure it will be fine...but no. Seriously I don't think I have had this hard of a time adjusting to situations in a long time. I've had mini bouts of depression, mixed in with some really awesome times as well- so it's just been...weird.
Career-wise- it's been pretty exciting. I've got some cool things under my belt, and I feel like I'm just in this "brewing" phase...like in the next couple seasons I predict some majorly awesome things to happen and I'm just waiting right now. But it's okay- because fall is almost here! Yayy! But yeah, I mean it's been a little slow, not constant acting work or anything but that was to be expected. But with Backalley Strut's marketing material and fundraising campaigns about to start soon and some other projects in the works- I'm really excited about what is to come in the future- but I have to say, this summer has taught me alot about patience, ESPECIALLY when it comes to my career.
Job-wise, I've been through 2 different "survival" jobs. The first one didn't really work out, so I am at Taco Mac now and honestly it is working out so much better for me. I'm making a ton more money than I did before, and am actually pretty financially secure right now, which is an amazing feeling for sure! The only downfall here is that I'm working alot more. Like...I feel like I LIVE there. The good thing about that though, is that it kind of allows me to create friendly relationships with the other people I work with, and it will help me transition from "new girl" quicker. I already feel pretty assimilated, and this week has definitely been easier than the first. My first week I was scheduled for literally 8 shifts including 3 doubles...it was really rough, especially seeing as I'm just not used to that yet! It really drained me. But I think that I am getting more used to it now which is good. I don't foresee myself staying there FOREVER or anything, but it is a pretty positive environment, the clientele is easy-going, and I haven't had any real issues or anything. So that's always good.
Something else that's going on in my life right now that I'm SUPER excited about is that I'm in a band! It has not been officially named yet, however it includes me on the keys, Jonathan on guitar, Drew on guitar/bass, and probably other various people will join in with other instruments. We also all do the vocals so we 've got some pretty cool harmonies and such. We already wrote and recorded our first song. It isn't completely finished so it won't be released yet for a while- however it is so awesome to be able to hear something that you created completely on your own. I mean we all wrote the lyrics and music collectively and I've just been in a creative dreamworld being able to do something like that. I never thought I was capable of it and have always wanted to create music but didn't realize just how I would do it- but sometimes it's so crazy how you meet just the right people in your life that allow you to do all the things you wanted to do. I mean, conveniently, Drew actually owns his own recording studio, so what it would have cost thousands of dollars for others to do, we did...for free. And with Jon's video production skills we can have an epic music video as well. Basically- we have cheated the system ;) hehe. But anyways, I am lovin' our first song and can't wait for it to be released to the world...it's kind of surreal how quickly it all came about but I have a feeling that we're on to something here...
It really does feel good though to feel capable of expressing myself creatively in this new way- being able to write something that I and so many people can relate to! :)
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