Connect.

As I watch movies, read plays and other literature and read relationship articles in Cosmo and the like- I realize something. I don't think like the average woman. I more often than not actually empathize more with the male in the situation. You see it all the time, the man who is afraid to commit and is flaky, and the woman who just wants a relationship and to feel needed. More often than not, the woman is the one who is afraid to seem 'desperate' in the relationship, and is more dependent, while the man just wants to go out and have fun or focus on his career, leaving the woman to wonder just what is going on. I see it all the time in people around me- girls that won't leave their jerk boyfriends because they can't stand to be alone, or girls that are desperately seeking some sort of romantic fulfillment at all times.

I never identify with those women.

I get annoyed at books and plays in which the female character is whiny about a man and I feel as though the reader is supposed to be on her side in these situations. I usually am not.

Another realization I had- I have actually NEVER had my heart broken. I mean, sure I've had minor disappointments, but never have I actually been with someone that meant the world to me and had my heart crushed by them by them by deciding to break up with me. I mean, I have definitely had hardships in relationships and I have been hurt, but not in that way. And yet at the same time, I feel that in all my relationships I am the one that does the breaking up and causes hurt in the other.

It honestly gets tiring!

Maybe I just have never actually been in love.

I think at times I close myself and never allow myself to really connect with the person I'm in the relationship with, or I let other things get in the way. Sometimes I'm so focused on my career and my goals and what I want to do all the time that I just can't worry about someone else. As horrible as that sounds, and I know it does sound horrible!

But I find that I have problems connecting with others in general. I mean sure, I have alot of friendly acquaintances that I see alot during school and such and I feel as if I am well-liked (at least I hope!) But I only have a very small amount of friends that I really hang out with on a one-on-one basis. Which is fine with me, but I just wonder what that says about me ya know? Now, I'm sure if I asked there are alot more people that would probably respond to an invitation from me to go hang out or something, but I feel like unless its in a bigger group, if they are not really really close friends of mine, I'm just afraid of something being awkward, or feeling like I have to entertain someone. I don't know. It's really weird, I know!

I just sometimes feel as if I think on a different wavelength than alot of people. I am a walking contradiction. I like to be alone and do my own thing alot, yet one of the biggest feelings of joy I have is performing on a stage in front of hundreds or thousands of people.

Now, that's not to say that I don't enjoy hanging out with my friends, OBVIOUSLY I do. I'm not a complete recluse or anything! but I just find that generally I get along pretty well by myself, and don't mind say, going to the mall by myself or something like that. I actually prefer it at times.

This aspect about me I think makes me act weird in relationship settings because unlike alot of girls that are in relationships- I DON'T like to be around the other person all the time, whenever we are both available. And like, while alot of girls would be upset if the guy couldn't hang out because they had other plans, I actually would like that. To me that shows that I'm not their sole source of happiness, or sole social life.

I just really hate to be put on a sort of pedestal. I don't like to be overly complimented or sappy things. I don't like to receive roses. I hate fancy jewelry.

Of course, I'm still human, I appreciate romantic acts as much as the next person, and am grateful for gifts and things- but the sterotypical things girls "like," I don't.

Sometimes I think I'm the only one that is the way I am, and it's disheartening because I would love to connect with the female characters in plays and movies, and look for monologues that really click with me, but it's hard.

You know what really scares me? Marriage.
I was just thinking earlier today and whenever I get married and have kids...I'm going to have to deal with cooking something different every day. That everyone likes. I love to cook- but I want to cook on my own terms. I mean, what if I marry someone who wants steak or chicken? Or bacon for breakfast? I don't think I could even do it. I can't handle dealing with raw meat. I know that people are probably rolling their eyes when they read that and expect me to get over it, but I mean what if you were in Korea and you were told you had to prepare dog? It is a delicacy over there, you know. Would you be able to do it?

Probably not.

Well, in my mind I can't separate a dog from a chicken from a cow from a cat. They are all animals, sentient beings and all of them deserve the gift of life. No animal deserves to have their throats sliced while still conscious and then to be dipped in boiling water to rip off their skin, all so you could eat something that is filled with harmful antibiotics, chemicals, hormones, and saturated fats that could lead to cancer anyways.

And people wonder why I'm a vegetarian! Haha. I realize I got off on a tangent and this is not The Quirky Veggie, my blog in which I normally rant about these things, so my apologies for that.

But anyways.

This was a really random blog but maybe it will give you some insight into how my strange mind works...I wonder if there is anyone out there who thinks the same way regarding relationships? Or am I just strange? haha.

yeah...

Things at this moment could definitely be better.
The most annoying thing at this moment is that I'm suffering from daily pain in my right hip, which come to find out I had a birth defect called hip dysplasia as a baby which can be fixed then, but apparently can come back after repeated stress around a person in their twenties. It makes it so walking hurts, and I have stopped working out as well. I need to go see a doctor about it, but I have to get all this paperwork switched around so I have health insurance with the military hospital...I'm just worried because I may potentially need to have surgery to get it corrected, and that is just not something I want to deal with. =/

But it is really annoying as I can't even pop my hip to the right side basically...and I find myself limping at times...it is just a stressful thing to think about as I have to dance for Putnam, and I don't want to not be able to be in the show or something. Ugh.

Also I'm just frustrated with a certain situation because I don't know what I want when it comes to relationships and the sort. I just feel like sometimes I just am not able to like be there for people that I really care about and that I just am not capable of being in a relationship anymore. I think it just comes down to me being selfish. I just want to do what I want at all times and not worry about hurting someone's feelings. And like everything could be going fine when I'm seeing someone- but all of a sudden like something switches off in my brain that makes me just get all weird and wanting to be alone all the time. I don't know what's wrong with me sometimes. Oh well.. I will figure it all out I suppose.

And like I'm reading all this stuff about the oil spill and it just makes me depressed because I feel like we have really screwed up our world. I just get so frustrated with big government and corporations and how greed really is the root of all our problems, and America is dying of cancer from processed food and prescription drugs and nobody has a cure for anything because the medical industry is one of the biggest businesses in America. Idk I'm just in a really negative mood right now about the world we live in and am just frustrated in general.

Bloom Away!

Ok, so if you have ever met me you know how much I love flowers. No, not even necessarily a bouquet of dozen roses type of flowers, but flowers as a design concept, mainly. There's something about flowers that can be feminine, romantic, flirty, whimsical, and/or funky all at the same time! I was looking around on etsy and found some stuff that I absolutely love and just need to share:













weeee I love these things so much!

Happy Father's Day...

I miss you so much.
Even though I know you are better off where you are- I can't help but selfishly want you here.
I can't believe it has been 6 years since I've been able to hug you...

I love you.

cleanliness

So, if you know me at all- you know that I'm a bit of a well... a slob.
I usually have no qualms about throwing clothes on the floor, and leaving dishes in my room for longer than I should, and leaving hair and makeup products sprawled all over the bathroom counter and floor along with more clothes and towels.

But lately, after some intense spring/summer cleaning including bleaching out the bathroom- I have been so anal retentive about keeping everything clean, as well as re-organizing. I organized and cleaned out underneath the bathroom sink, my dressers, my closet, my bookshelf, and other set of drawers.

It's really strange. But in a good way, I suppose! It's time for me to grow up and stop being so messy. I think that I'm just realizing how nicer it feels to come home to a clean room instead of having to tread carefully so I don't step on the back of an earring and have it pierce through my foot. (which has happened several times. OUCH.)

Another thing that is a bit strange that I have been obsessed with, which I shared on my Video Blog, is my strange obsession with dental care. I used to literally NEVER floss except for a few days before my dental exam in which I knew they would judge me for not flossing and I thought I could trick them by starting a few days before- but they always knew...

But lately I find myself flossing 2-3 times a day. It's like I have this thing where I feel like if one speck of something may be in my teeth I just gotta get it out! And my teeth feel so nice and shiny. I also bought some teeth whitening strips to make my teeth even whiter! Haha. The next time I see a dentist they are going to be pleased. But seriously, it's a strange thing how all of a sudden I'm so obsessed with teeth. I don't understand! haha! but like the cleaning thing...it's not a bad thing. Flossing is good for you, and a nice, bright smile is never a bad thing. Especially as an actress/waitress! :P

Speaking of, things at Red Robin are going well! I am finally really getting the hang of everything and making some pretty nice money. I definitely can't complain, although sometimes it gets tiring, especially when I work 2 doubles in a row...ugh! But it's so nice to come home with cash every shift!

movin' out!

Lately I've had such a desire to pack up and move to NYC. It keeps coming up in my mind and things I see and I keep hearing about it, and it just makes me crave to leave this small town behind and just GO!

I only have a year left of school-, and a year ago feels like just yesterday so I can sense just how fast the time went by. It's a little scary to think about life after graduation, and I have been contemplating alot lately about where I am going to be headed to once that happens.

I've narrowed it down to Chicago or NYC. I've always thought how crazy it would be to move to NYC right out of college- but so many people have done it- just how crazy would it be? Of course I would probably live at home for a few months and save up some money (No rent or groceries! Yay!) before I go anywhere, but honestly- I'm just so ready to get out of here, no matter where I go. But lately I've just had the strange feeling like I want to go right to NYC for some reason. But who knows right now- my mind changes so much!

I'm just over school. And yes, I know I have a year left, but I will be counting down the months with great joy I guarantee you- the last September...DONE...the last October..DONE...soon it will be the last Fall semester...DONE...I just can't wait! Although I do have to say, I am very excited about what the year will bring for me. I've got Spelling Bee, GTC auditions, ACTF competition, Senior Project, possibly a Springer show, and we still haven't cast our Spring semester at CSU yet. There are so many great opportunities that I am blessed to be a part of and that will be very stressful, but I just have a good feeling that things will be fruitful for me this year. I know they will.

But I just have all these feelings, like, there is so much going on out in the world that I can't be a part of because I'm still in school. And I just feel really stifled in this town.

But soon I'll be gone. I guess I should just enjoy it while I am here, huh?

In the sun

So life as of late has been quite interesting, lots of new things happening- I started my new job (Red Robin,) bought some new things with said money from new job which was nice seeing as I never buy myself anything cool really. I actually got a webcam finally, which I have been meaning to get. I consider it an investment in my acting career- because I mean there are just so many video-auditions these days, and so many people get opportunities from YouTube! So be on the lookout soon for my new channel. The world may never be the same...haha! :P Also I am thinking of getting Skype, I just don't know who all has one. So out yourself, fellow skypers!

Also, I've just had a great time meeting new people lately, which is great, and I'm having a blast- but I'm also trying to not rush into anything- I definitely do need some time for myself still!

Theatrically, my life is going well- I just had my audition for this year's season of the Springer Opera House last night, and I am being considered for the leads in High School Musical and did a reading which is very cool! I'm also getting excited for Spelling Bee in the fall... even though it is kind of pushed in the back of my mind at the moment, everytime a song comes on my shuffle on my iPod I get a little tinge of excitement! =]

I'm just enjoying some time away from hecticness, being able to just lounge at my pool or stop over at the mall whenever I want is very very nice. Even though I'm taking a class right now, it's so easy that it doesn't even phase me at all.

Also, I've downloaded some great new music, and can definitely make some recommendations-
-She & Him- Zooey Deschanel's band, very summer-esque and wistful.
-Florence and the Machine- Reminds me of a mix between Fiona Apple, Kate Nash, and Regina Spektor.
-La Roux- Electronic/pop. Very fun. Love it.
-Pomplamoose- my best friend Erin showed me this band and I'm in love. They are kind of like The Bird and The Bee. They have some really awesome covers- my favorite is this one: