So this is Christmas..

You know, this has been quite the unique Christmas season I have to say.
For one, it's been weird not being in school and having the obligatory 2 week Christmas break period. I have to live in the real world and work and such and it's just...strange.
Oddly, I feel very alone this Christmas. Without being with family, or a significant other or what have you it has been a solitary holiday season. Add to that the fact that I'm working tomorrow from 10-possibly 8 PM, and it is borderline depressing.
It's just the icing on the cake to a less than stellar year. But you know what? The struggles I've had to face have all made me grow as a person and learn SO much than if I hadn't had to go through them.
So what have I learned this year?

• Things are not handed to you. When you graduate college, you automatically assume your degree entitles you to every single job offer in the world. Well my friends, that is NOT the case. I mean, I knew I'd have to struggle a little bit, but I didn't think I'd have to struggle THIS much. But yes, things are definitely NOT handed to you. I' ve always been a hard worker, but this year has shown me that it takes so much more to really gain success in any fashion.
• I've also learned when it comes to relationships, 1.) I am attracted to the guys that do NOT want a relationship whatsoever and 2.) that I have extreme difficulty communicating. I tend to overthink situations and then blame guys for their actions when we haven't even come to terms with any sort of boundaries or even spoke about how we feel about one another. Which in turn, makes me somewhat bitter. But you know what? It's not even their fault. I guess if you never have the "what are we" conversation, you really can't hold anything against anyone. And when things don't work out, it doesn't necessarily make them a horrible person- you just deal with it and move on. So I'm sorry if I've seemed to put all the blame on everyone else, because my fear of confrontation and rejection has definitely made me afraid of communicating my real thoughts and feelings. And that is something I really need to work on.
• I've also learned that friends are not as constant as one may think. It's like- you think your friends are there for you forever. But you move to a different city and keep on going with your life and you see that actually you will lose touch with people. And it sucks. But you just have to find a balance and work hard to maintain your relationships, because your relationships with your friends are important. People are important. Never take anyone for granted. 

I may have said that 2011 was a bad year. And honestly, I've had to go through alot of stuff I've never dealt with before, and it really was challenging. But when I really think about it, it wasn't all THAT bad. I think I just grew up. And sometimes, being faced with growing up is difficult.

But thank you to everyone that made this year great and who taught me valuable things that I will never forget.

Although 2021- you better be freakin' amazing. Because I'm ready for things to really turn around. Thanks.  :)

Photoshoot!

I realized that I don't post everytime I have a shoot or something of the sort- that begins now! Starting with my latest photo and video shoot I did with Trey of No Contenders Creative Agency, also known as Maxposure. His work is really great, and he is focusing on building a company marketing towards actors to produce excellent quality headshots and video promo marketing material as well as interactive web comp cards and more.

He contacted me on Model Mayhem and we set up a shoot. Immediately he made me feel at ease, and we had a blast shooting different outfits as well as a promo video. I was grateful for the opportunity as I wanted some more natural sort of photos showing a different hairstyle- straight, with bangs. Here are some of my favorites that I edited myself :

As you can see, my quirky/fun side definitely showed through in this shoot which was alot of fun. We also shot a promo video along with an outtakes video where I did not even now he was filming. It's quite amusing. Those will be edited soon and I will be sure to post them when they are ready!

To check out some more of his work, you can find him at his facebook page here: https://www.facebook.com/nocontenders?ref=ts

German girl.

Hey guys!
So I realized I haven't blogged in awhile.
I'm going to skip the obligatory apologies and go straight to the content of this blog post, however.
You're welcome! :)

So what has been going on with me lately? Well first of all, I'm recently back in the states after my life pretty much took a hiatus for 2 weeks while I was in Germany. I was there to visit my family, as it was my grandma's 80th birthday. (All my mom's side of the family still lives there!) It was my first time visiting for 7 years. While at times it was a bit of a culture shock living in a small German village with no internet, phone access, transportation, etc. - it was good for me, I think to kind of relax for a bit and press the "Reset" button on my life, essentially.

While I was there I had alot of time to think about my life and where I'm headed and what I need to change, etc. and I think it really gave me a fresh perspective that I needed. This summer has been quite tumultuous to say the least and recently I've been realizing just how quickly life, friend and relationships change. It's therefore important to always hold family and your dreams close because those people that you thought would always be there are not always going to be. And that guy you think holds the world in his hand? He doesn't have that strong of a grip. And never take people for granted, because you never know that they just might turn into something special :)

But life lessons aside- here are some Germany pictures!

I definitely ate/drank my weight in bread, cheese, sweets, and beer but I had a wonderful time. :)

What is Love? (Baby Don't Hurt Me)

As I look back on my slightly deluded love life (or lack thereof) it is really quite humorous when you look at it. I mean, seriously- like every day I get hit on by the randomest of men whose direct bluntness about it all takes me off guard and makes me wonder why it is that I get so much unwanted attention, yet with the guys that I am actually interested in, it's like I'm completely invisible.

Can someone explain that to me?!

I mean, seriously. Not that I'm so incredibly desperate to have a boyfriend or anything (while it would be nice,) I'm just trying to figure out what the deal is.

And then to just further complicate matters, I'm completely hopeless when it comes to reading other guys. Like,  there is someone in my life that everyone says is totally into me. But I don't know, to me I just don't get that. We're friends, and while I admit I am possibly toying with the notion of something more-  I just don't really get these strong signals that everyone else apparently sees! So basically: I'm retarded and I create signals in my mind from guys that AREN'T interested in me, but when someone may actually be, I literally am oblivious to it. Meh.

The bottom line here is maybe the life of a cat lady isn't so bad? I mean, you have an excuse to just be crazy and wear bizarre sweaters and host tea parties and collect kitschy knick-knacks and have a never-ending supply of incense and potpourri.

On a completely unrelated topic- can I just say that I have literally been OBSESSED with my nails lately?! It's so strange. I used to bite them incessantly and never ever had nice nails and just resigned myself with the notion of having little boy hands and wearing false nails when the occasion calls for it, but I have been taking these biotin supplements and just, well, NOT biting them and now they are beautimus! The thing is, I've gotten really into nail-art and nail trends and what not and it's like this whole new world that has been opened up to me. But then...it also becomes a sort of obsession...like whenever I do my nails, and then they start chipping, I have to immediately take it all off and re-do my manicure completely, instead of just touching it up. It's turned into a hobby. But I like it!

Also, just as a general update on life- my new work schedule is literally amazing and I'm a million times happier than I have been. So that's good.

I leave for Germany in two weeks. Life is grand.

Regaining Control.

Over the past few months, I realized that I somehow lost control of my life. I was working 50-60 hours a week at a job I don't necessarily care for with no time to devote to my actual career, health, well-being, etc. etc. etc.

Add to that a pretty unhealthy "relationship" (If you can even call it that) and yeah. I was not really too well off. I was in a really low emotional state about a month ago. It took a phone call from the coordinator of the web-series I film for every week saying how I wasn't myself anymore to get me to realize that there needed to be a change, and soon! Literally everything was spiraling out of control in my life. On my days off, I was so tired all I ever did was lay around. I was too tired to even workout, so I was gaining weight and eating unhealthy foods...basically I just felt awful all around. To make matters worse, I felt like my agency was sort of giving me the run around based on some technical issues and it seemed like I was stuck there, too. After realizing my career was basically at a standstill and I was absolutely miserable, I decided in one moment that I was not going to continue to live this way.

So, I basically altered my schedule the way I wanted and told my manager if I could not get those hours then I would have to leave. I also decided to call my agency every single day basically until I got what I wanted.

2 weeks later, I have the perfect schedule, and today I filmed a video audition with my agency to send to the casting directors of Army Wives for an episodic role. I've already lost a few lbs. because of my time to work out again and I feel a million times better.

I'm just so incredibly thankful and blessed that things have worked out the way that they have, and I can't stress enough that if you are unhappy with your current situation in life, there IS something you can do. Always. Granted, it may take a little time, but if you really want a change, you are able to change it.

I've also made another great realization- I absolutely do NOT deserve to be treated the way I have allowed myself to be treated with guys. Obviously, if a guy is truly interested he will make time for you and let you know that. There will be no ignoring for weeks at a time, or keeping you around to make themselves feel better during moments if insecurity or when there are no other girls available. Apparently lately I've been completely deluded into thinking there could ever be more than what there was with a certain somebody whom I really cared about (and still do, but in a different way.) It sucks, because you know when you meet that person that you just click with so well, who shares so many of your same interests and passions, but when you find out that they are not at all what you thought they were? Yeah. I'm sick of that happening. I just feel like I deserve to be treated with nothing but the utmost of respect. So yeah. I'm taking back control in that regard as well.

In other news, I got the iPhone 4s! Basically, I knew I was going to get it for Christmas/bday, but my old phone broke AND I was due for an upgrade, so fate stepped in basically and I decided to get my present a little early since I was completely phoneless for a couple of days. And I'm essentially in love with it. Like, I don't know how I even survived before?! ha. And Siri is fantastic! It's literally crazy amazing.

Anyways, long story short, I'm very content at this present moment. I feel like only great things are coming my way. AND I get to visit Germany in a couple weeks! Ahh! I'm so excited to get on a plane, get out of the country for a while, and get back to my roots. :)

It's time for the tides to turn.

Fall is here, folks. Can you feel the freshness in the air?! Ugh. It makes me overwhelming happy to be free from the stagnant summer of 2011. You've heard me go on and on about this, but seriously- this summer has just not been the greatest in the world for me. But you know what? In light of recent realizations and with the advent of a new season, I can already feel things changing for the better. For one, I'm making pretty good money at Taco Mac with the beginning of football season! Granted, I'm being worked...alot. (14 hr days anyone?!) But monetarily it's all good in the hood if you know what I'm sayin'. Also, I know it seems minor- but I now actually have a couch and working washing machine in my apartment! This is a huge step to making my apt. feel more cozy and like a living space instead of a dorm. It is a pretty great couch too, I must say, esp. for it being from Goodwill! Now all we need is a coffee table, TV, entertainment center and some dining room furniture and we'll be set for cozy livin'.

In addition to all that, I came across a sort of epiphany with this whole situation that's been plaguing me about this guy. I realized that even though I was getting some positive signals, what it all boils down to is if someone really wants to pursue something with you and see you, they will find a way. It's that simple. It's like that book, "He's just not that into you." It sucks- but once your realize it, it's so freeing! It's like- there's no use struggling and fighting tooth and nail for something that isn't there. So I just gave it up, and I feel great! :)

So yeah, things are definitely on the upswing and I'm very grateful. I'm not letting myself wallow in negative thoughts any longer.

Because I am trying to not seem like a debbie downer in other social media networking sites- I'll let it all out here.
I'm really not happy right now.
I just got off a 16 hour shift. As in...I got to work at 10 AM and did not leave until like 2:00 AM. With no break. It was the start of football so things were absolutely INSANELY busy...my feet literally feel like they are about to fall off. Ugh. Granted- I made a lot of money tonight, but it all needs to go towards things like bills and paying for my passport, etc.
Lately I feel that is all I have been able to do with my life is just work work work. No time to be social, no time for creativity and anything artistic that actually makes me happy- just work. And I tell you what, I'm weary. Physically. Emotionally. Absolutely drained.
And in addition to that I'm just sad because I'm making realizations that are extremely difficult to come to terms with and that of course is a burden on me.
SO basically right now I feel tired, drained, lonely, and sad.
And on top of that I'm still dealing with the whole post-college transition which if course is still difficult.
Long story short- things have definitely been better in my life.
I'm still waiting on confirmation of certain things from my agent before I can even start booking, too, so that is frustrating of course.
I just want things to turn around. Desperately!
=/