Connect.

As I watch movies, read plays and other literature and read relationship articles in Cosmo and the like- I realize something. I don't think like the average woman. I more often than not actually empathize more with the male in the situation. You see it all the time, the man who is afraid to commit and is flaky, and the woman who just wants a relationship and to feel needed. More often than not, the woman is the one who is afraid to seem 'desperate' in the relationship, and is more dependent, while the man just wants to go out and have fun or focus on his career, leaving the woman to wonder just what is going on. I see it all the time in people around me- girls that won't leave their jerk boyfriends because they can't stand to be alone, or girls that are desperately seeking some sort of romantic fulfillment at all times.

I never identify with those women.

I get annoyed at books and plays in which the female character is whiny about a man and I feel as though the reader is supposed to be on her side in these situations. I usually am not.

Another realization I had- I have actually NEVER had my heart broken. I mean, sure I've had minor disappointments, but never have I actually been with someone that meant the world to me and had my heart crushed by them by them by deciding to break up with me. I mean, I have definitely had hardships in relationships and I have been hurt, but not in that way. And yet at the same time, I feel that in all my relationships I am the one that does the breaking up and causes hurt in the other.

It honestly gets tiring!

Maybe I just have never actually been in love.

I think at times I close myself and never allow myself to really connect with the person I'm in the relationship with, or I let other things get in the way. Sometimes I'm so focused on my career and my goals and what I want to do all the time that I just can't worry about someone else. As horrible as that sounds, and I know it does sound horrible!

But I find that I have problems connecting with others in general. I mean sure, I have alot of friendly acquaintances that I see alot during school and such and I feel as if I am well-liked (at least I hope!) But I only have a very small amount of friends that I really hang out with on a one-on-one basis. Which is fine with me, but I just wonder what that says about me ya know? Now, I'm sure if I asked there are alot more people that would probably respond to an invitation from me to go hang out or something, but I feel like unless its in a bigger group, if they are not really really close friends of mine, I'm just afraid of something being awkward, or feeling like I have to entertain someone. I don't know. It's really weird, I know!

I just sometimes feel as if I think on a different wavelength than alot of people. I am a walking contradiction. I like to be alone and do my own thing alot, yet one of the biggest feelings of joy I have is performing on a stage in front of hundreds or thousands of people.

Now, that's not to say that I don't enjoy hanging out with my friends, OBVIOUSLY I do. I'm not a complete recluse or anything! but I just find that generally I get along pretty well by myself, and don't mind say, going to the mall by myself or something like that. I actually prefer it at times.

This aspect about me I think makes me act weird in relationship settings because unlike alot of girls that are in relationships- I DON'T like to be around the other person all the time, whenever we are both available. And like, while alot of girls would be upset if the guy couldn't hang out because they had other plans, I actually would like that. To me that shows that I'm not their sole source of happiness, or sole social life.

I just really hate to be put on a sort of pedestal. I don't like to be overly complimented or sappy things. I don't like to receive roses. I hate fancy jewelry.

Of course, I'm still human, I appreciate romantic acts as much as the next person, and am grateful for gifts and things- but the sterotypical things girls "like," I don't.

Sometimes I think I'm the only one that is the way I am, and it's disheartening because I would love to connect with the female characters in plays and movies, and look for monologues that really click with me, but it's hard.

You know what really scares me? Marriage.
I was just thinking earlier today and whenever I get married and have kids...I'm going to have to deal with cooking something different every day. That everyone likes. I love to cook- but I want to cook on my own terms. I mean, what if I marry someone who wants steak or chicken? Or bacon for breakfast? I don't think I could even do it. I can't handle dealing with raw meat. I know that people are probably rolling their eyes when they read that and expect me to get over it, but I mean what if you were in Korea and you were told you had to prepare dog? It is a delicacy over there, you know. Would you be able to do it?

Probably not.

Well, in my mind I can't separate a dog from a chicken from a cow from a cat. They are all animals, sentient beings and all of them deserve the gift of life. No animal deserves to have their throats sliced while still conscious and then to be dipped in boiling water to rip off their skin, all so you could eat something that is filled with harmful antibiotics, chemicals, hormones, and saturated fats that could lead to cancer anyways.

And people wonder why I'm a vegetarian! Haha. I realize I got off on a tangent and this is not The Quirky Veggie, my blog in which I normally rant about these things, so my apologies for that.

But anyways.

This was a really random blog but maybe it will give you some insight into how my strange mind works...I wonder if there is anyone out there who thinks the same way regarding relationships? Or am I just strange? haha.