So this is Christmas..

You know, this has been quite the unique Christmas season I have to say.
For one, it's been weird not being in school and having the obligatory 2 week Christmas break period. I have to live in the real world and work and such and it's just...strange.
Oddly, I feel very alone this Christmas. Without being with family, or a significant other or what have you it has been a solitary holiday season. Add to that the fact that I'm working tomorrow from 10-possibly 8 PM, and it is borderline depressing.
It's just the icing on the cake to a less than stellar year. But you know what? The struggles I've had to face have all made me grow as a person and learn SO much than if I hadn't had to go through them.
So what have I learned this year?

• Things are not handed to you. When you graduate college, you automatically assume your degree entitles you to every single job offer in the world. Well my friends, that is NOT the case. I mean, I knew I'd have to struggle a little bit, but I didn't think I'd have to struggle THIS much. But yes, things are definitely NOT handed to you. I' ve always been a hard worker, but this year has shown me that it takes so much more to really gain success in any fashion.
• I've also learned when it comes to relationships, 1.) I am attracted to the guys that do NOT want a relationship whatsoever and 2.) that I have extreme difficulty communicating. I tend to overthink situations and then blame guys for their actions when we haven't even come to terms with any sort of boundaries or even spoke about how we feel about one another. Which in turn, makes me somewhat bitter. But you know what? It's not even their fault. I guess if you never have the "what are we" conversation, you really can't hold anything against anyone. And when things don't work out, it doesn't necessarily make them a horrible person- you just deal with it and move on. So I'm sorry if I've seemed to put all the blame on everyone else, because my fear of confrontation and rejection has definitely made me afraid of communicating my real thoughts and feelings. And that is something I really need to work on.
• I've also learned that friends are not as constant as one may think. It's like- you think your friends are there for you forever. But you move to a different city and keep on going with your life and you see that actually you will lose touch with people. And it sucks. But you just have to find a balance and work hard to maintain your relationships, because your relationships with your friends are important. People are important. Never take anyone for granted. 

I may have said that 2011 was a bad year. And honestly, I've had to go through alot of stuff I've never dealt with before, and it really was challenging. But when I really think about it, it wasn't all THAT bad. I think I just grew up. And sometimes, being faced with growing up is difficult.

But thank you to everyone that made this year great and who taught me valuable things that I will never forget.

Although 2021- you better be freakin' amazing. Because I'm ready for things to really turn around. Thanks.  :)

Photoshoot!

I realized that I don't post everytime I have a shoot or something of the sort- that begins now! Starting with my latest photo and video shoot I did with Trey of No Contenders Creative Agency, also known as Maxposure. His work is really great, and he is focusing on building a company marketing towards actors to produce excellent quality headshots and video promo marketing material as well as interactive web comp cards and more.

He contacted me on Model Mayhem and we set up a shoot. Immediately he made me feel at ease, and we had a blast shooting different outfits as well as a promo video. I was grateful for the opportunity as I wanted some more natural sort of photos showing a different hairstyle- straight, with bangs. Here are some of my favorites that I edited myself :

As you can see, my quirky/fun side definitely showed through in this shoot which was alot of fun. We also shot a promo video along with an outtakes video where I did not even now he was filming. It's quite amusing. Those will be edited soon and I will be sure to post them when they are ready!

To check out some more of his work, you can find him at his facebook page here: https://www.facebook.com/nocontenders?ref=ts

German girl.

Hey guys!
So I realized I haven't blogged in awhile.
I'm going to skip the obligatory apologies and go straight to the content of this blog post, however.
You're welcome! :)

So what has been going on with me lately? Well first of all, I'm recently back in the states after my life pretty much took a hiatus for 2 weeks while I was in Germany. I was there to visit my family, as it was my grandma's 80th birthday. (All my mom's side of the family still lives there!) It was my first time visiting for 7 years. While at times it was a bit of a culture shock living in a small German village with no internet, phone access, transportation, etc. - it was good for me, I think to kind of relax for a bit and press the "Reset" button on my life, essentially.

While I was there I had alot of time to think about my life and where I'm headed and what I need to change, etc. and I think it really gave me a fresh perspective that I needed. This summer has been quite tumultuous to say the least and recently I've been realizing just how quickly life, friend and relationships change. It's therefore important to always hold family and your dreams close because those people that you thought would always be there are not always going to be. And that guy you think holds the world in his hand? He doesn't have that strong of a grip. And never take people for granted, because you never know that they just might turn into something special :)

But life lessons aside- here are some Germany pictures!

I definitely ate/drank my weight in bread, cheese, sweets, and beer but I had a wonderful time. :)

What is Love? (Baby Don't Hurt Me)

As I look back on my slightly deluded love life (or lack thereof) it is really quite humorous when you look at it. I mean, seriously- like every day I get hit on by the randomest of men whose direct bluntness about it all takes me off guard and makes me wonder why it is that I get so much unwanted attention, yet with the guys that I am actually interested in, it's like I'm completely invisible.

Can someone explain that to me?!

I mean, seriously. Not that I'm so incredibly desperate to have a boyfriend or anything (while it would be nice,) I'm just trying to figure out what the deal is.

And then to just further complicate matters, I'm completely hopeless when it comes to reading other guys. Like,  there is someone in my life that everyone says is totally into me. But I don't know, to me I just don't get that. We're friends, and while I admit I am possibly toying with the notion of something more-  I just don't really get these strong signals that everyone else apparently sees! So basically: I'm retarded and I create signals in my mind from guys that AREN'T interested in me, but when someone may actually be, I literally am oblivious to it. Meh.

The bottom line here is maybe the life of a cat lady isn't so bad? I mean, you have an excuse to just be crazy and wear bizarre sweaters and host tea parties and collect kitschy knick-knacks and have a never-ending supply of incense and potpourri.

On a completely unrelated topic- can I just say that I have literally been OBSESSED with my nails lately?! It's so strange. I used to bite them incessantly and never ever had nice nails and just resigned myself with the notion of having little boy hands and wearing false nails when the occasion calls for it, but I have been taking these biotin supplements and just, well, NOT biting them and now they are beautimus! The thing is, I've gotten really into nail-art and nail trends and what not and it's like this whole new world that has been opened up to me. But then...it also becomes a sort of obsession...like whenever I do my nails, and then they start chipping, I have to immediately take it all off and re-do my manicure completely, instead of just touching it up. It's turned into a hobby. But I like it!

Also, just as a general update on life- my new work schedule is literally amazing and I'm a million times happier than I have been. So that's good.

I leave for Germany in two weeks. Life is grand.

Regaining Control.

Over the past few months, I realized that I somehow lost control of my life. I was working 50-60 hours a week at a job I don't necessarily care for with no time to devote to my actual career, health, well-being, etc. etc. etc.

Add to that a pretty unhealthy "relationship" (If you can even call it that) and yeah. I was not really too well off. I was in a really low emotional state about a month ago. It took a phone call from the coordinator of the web-series I film for every week saying how I wasn't myself anymore to get me to realize that there needed to be a change, and soon! Literally everything was spiraling out of control in my life. On my days off, I was so tired all I ever did was lay around. I was too tired to even workout, so I was gaining weight and eating unhealthy foods...basically I just felt awful all around. To make matters worse, I felt like my agency was sort of giving me the run around based on some technical issues and it seemed like I was stuck there, too. After realizing my career was basically at a standstill and I was absolutely miserable, I decided in one moment that I was not going to continue to live this way.

So, I basically altered my schedule the way I wanted and told my manager if I could not get those hours then I would have to leave. I also decided to call my agency every single day basically until I got what I wanted.

2 weeks later, I have the perfect schedule, and today I filmed a video audition with my agency to send to the casting directors of Army Wives for an episodic role. I've already lost a few lbs. because of my time to work out again and I feel a million times better.

I'm just so incredibly thankful and blessed that things have worked out the way that they have, and I can't stress enough that if you are unhappy with your current situation in life, there IS something you can do. Always. Granted, it may take a little time, but if you really want a change, you are able to change it.

I've also made another great realization- I absolutely do NOT deserve to be treated the way I have allowed myself to be treated with guys. Obviously, if a guy is truly interested he will make time for you and let you know that. There will be no ignoring for weeks at a time, or keeping you around to make themselves feel better during moments if insecurity or when there are no other girls available. Apparently lately I've been completely deluded into thinking there could ever be more than what there was with a certain somebody whom I really cared about (and still do, but in a different way.) It sucks, because you know when you meet that person that you just click with so well, who shares so many of your same interests and passions, but when you find out that they are not at all what you thought they were? Yeah. I'm sick of that happening. I just feel like I deserve to be treated with nothing but the utmost of respect. So yeah. I'm taking back control in that regard as well.

In other news, I got the iPhone 4s! Basically, I knew I was going to get it for Christmas/bday, but my old phone broke AND I was due for an upgrade, so fate stepped in basically and I decided to get my present a little early since I was completely phoneless for a couple of days. And I'm essentially in love with it. Like, I don't know how I even survived before?! ha. And Siri is fantastic! It's literally crazy amazing.

Anyways, long story short, I'm very content at this present moment. I feel like only great things are coming my way. AND I get to visit Germany in a couple weeks! Ahh! I'm so excited to get on a plane, get out of the country for a while, and get back to my roots. :)

It's time for the tides to turn.

Fall is here, folks. Can you feel the freshness in the air?! Ugh. It makes me overwhelming happy to be free from the stagnant summer of 2011. You've heard me go on and on about this, but seriously- this summer has just not been the greatest in the world for me. But you know what? In light of recent realizations and with the advent of a new season, I can already feel things changing for the better. For one, I'm making pretty good money at Taco Mac with the beginning of football season! Granted, I'm being worked...alot. (14 hr days anyone?!) But monetarily it's all good in the hood if you know what I'm sayin'. Also, I know it seems minor- but I now actually have a couch and working washing machine in my apartment! This is a huge step to making my apt. feel more cozy and like a living space instead of a dorm. It is a pretty great couch too, I must say, esp. for it being from Goodwill! Now all we need is a coffee table, TV, entertainment center and some dining room furniture and we'll be set for cozy livin'.

In addition to all that, I came across a sort of epiphany with this whole situation that's been plaguing me about this guy. I realized that even though I was getting some positive signals, what it all boils down to is if someone really wants to pursue something with you and see you, they will find a way. It's that simple. It's like that book, "He's just not that into you." It sucks- but once your realize it, it's so freeing! It's like- there's no use struggling and fighting tooth and nail for something that isn't there. So I just gave it up, and I feel great! :)

So yeah, things are definitely on the upswing and I'm very grateful. I'm not letting myself wallow in negative thoughts any longer.

Because I am trying to not seem like a debbie downer in other social media networking sites- I'll let it all out here.
I'm really not happy right now.
I just got off a 16 hour shift. As in...I got to work at 10 AM and did not leave until like 2:00 AM. With no break. It was the start of football so things were absolutely INSANELY busy...my feet literally feel like they are about to fall off. Ugh. Granted- I made a lot of money tonight, but it all needs to go towards things like bills and paying for my passport, etc.
Lately I feel that is all I have been able to do with my life is just work work work. No time to be social, no time for creativity and anything artistic that actually makes me happy- just work. And I tell you what, I'm weary. Physically. Emotionally. Absolutely drained.
And in addition to that I'm just sad because I'm making realizations that are extremely difficult to come to terms with and that of course is a burden on me.
SO basically right now I feel tired, drained, lonely, and sad.
And on top of that I'm still dealing with the whole post-college transition which if course is still difficult.
Long story short- things have definitely been better in my life.
I'm still waiting on confirmation of certain things from my agent before I can even start booking, too, so that is frustrating of course.
I just want things to turn around. Desperately!
=/

Guess what I did last week?

Jumped out of a plane.

No, seriously, I did.

Me and some good friends of mine decided to go skydiving, and...can I just say...it was one of the most AMAZING experiences of my ENTIRE life. 

Like...I'm almost positive there is nothing more scary than jumping out of a plane and freefalling...but the feeling you get once you've landed is one of utmost accomplishment. It's like- man, I've jumped out of a freaking PLANE. I can do ANYTHINNG!!!

It's like nothing in this world can even scare you because you've just done the scariest thing you could possibly do. At least for me it was. I was in tears on the plane from the general overwhelming fear that consumed me and of what I was about to do. 

But I'm so glad I did!

I seriously would recommend it to anybody. It's something I think everyone HAS to experience at least once, no matter how scared they are of it. It will make you feel like an entirely brand new person...seriously.

 

But you know what's funny? I have the courage to jump out of a plane yet I find that lately I'm lacking courage to just have a singular conversation with someone, because I'm so terrified of the results. Don't you wish you could just say whatever you wanted to say without any repercussions?! Sigh. I just wish I could stop thinking about this certain situation and just continue life as it was before it all came about. But alas. I'm just feeling really conflicted and it's not the greatest of feelings in the world, but I'm a strong girl. 

Sometimes, though I get tired of always being the strong, independent one all the time. 

I don't know why, but lately I've felt super emotional. Like way more than I usually am. I don't know what it is, but it's really strange...like...I can cry at the drop of a hat, or get REALLY angry about something small. I usually am so laid-back and can easily brush things off my shoulders, but for some reason things have been hitting me hard lately. It's weird. Meh. At least it may be good for my acting..? Ha!

Anyways, lately life has been a little...well.. not hard. But a bit of a struggle at times. I work all the time at Taco Mac, and while most of the time it's not too bad, I just feel like I live there basically. And it's rough because serving is not always the easiest job. Granted, I make pretty good money which allows me to live somewhat comfortably at the present moment, but it's almost not worth it. I said ALMOST. ha. I do enjoy the funds! :) But it just makes me long for the days when I can operate solely from freelancing writing/acting/playing music. It's hard also because I still have my writing gigs, so sometimes I have to spend half the day writing and the other half at Taco Mac. But it's okay.

So something else that's been going on my life is that there is this guy, right? And it's like...being around him makes me feel so incredibly happy and comfortable and like all is right with the world, but things are not very...definite. And in a way that is good, because I don't think either of us are really ready for something very definite at the moment, but at the same time this whole situation scares me, alot, because I feel like I am at this point where I am allowing myself to get hurt even though we are not even at any definite state. I'm afraid of pushing him away, so I don't want to make things weird by bringing up the "what are we?" conversation...But I just find myself in a dilemma because there are these other guys that want to go on dates with me and pursue something and I just find myself closing them off because I can't really put my heart into it. I just feel like it's almost not fair to them to do so, even though others say I should since I am not in any sort of committed relationship. Long story short- my "lovelife" is very complicated. I'm just letting things flow naturally and see how things go without trying to push anything. The last thing I want to do is push this person away from my life and scare them, as they are dealing with residual issues, which...aren't we all?

I don 't know what I really "want" from the situation per se....maybe just some sort of confirmation that I'm not the only one who feels the way I do. But oh little ole' me is so afraid to rock the boat. Le sigh. Well we'll just see what happens. I can be patient. I've been patient with every aspect in my life for the past few months and I can continue it!

And the summer ends...

Let me preface this post by saying this:
This summer has put me through the ringer emotionally, physically, and everything in between.
Transitioning from college to "real person" life is very hard, I must say. I had heard others talk about it and thought, nah, I'm sure it will be fine...but no. Seriously I don't think I have had this hard of a time adjusting to situations in a long time. I've had mini bouts of depression, mixed in with some really awesome times as well- so it's just been...weird.

Career-wise- it's been pretty exciting. I've got some cool things under my belt, and I feel like I'm just in this "brewing" phase...like in the next couple seasons I predict some majorly awesome things to happen and I'm just waiting right now. But it's okay- because fall is almost here! Yayy! But yeah, I mean it's been a little slow, not constant acting work or anything but that was to be expected. But with Backalley Strut's marketing material and fundraising campaigns about to start soon and some other projects in the works- I'm really excited about what is to come in the future- but I have to say, this summer has taught me alot about patience, ESPECIALLY when it comes to my career.

Job-wise, I've been through 2 different "survival" jobs. The first one didn't really work out, so I am at Taco Mac now and honestly it is working out so much better for me. I'm making a ton more money than I did before, and am actually pretty financially secure right now, which is an amazing feeling for sure! The only downfall here is that I'm working alot more. Like...I feel like I LIVE there. The good thing about that though, is that it kind of allows me to create friendly relationships with the other people I work with, and it will help me transition from "new girl" quicker. I already feel pretty assimilated, and this week has definitely been easier than the first. My first week I was scheduled for literally 8 shifts including 3 doubles...it was really rough, especially seeing as I'm just not used to that yet! It really drained me. But I think that I am getting more used to it now which is good. I don't foresee myself staying there FOREVER or anything, but it is a pretty positive environment, the clientele is easy-going, and I haven't had any real issues or anything. So that's always good.

Something else that's going on in my life right now that I'm SUPER excited about is that I'm in a band! It has not been officially named yet, however it includes me on the keys, Jonathan on guitar, Drew on guitar/bass, and probably other various people will join in with other instruments. We also all do the vocals so we 've got some pretty cool harmonies and such. We already wrote and recorded our first song. It isn't completely finished so it won't be released yet for a while- however it is so awesome to be able to hear something that you created completely on your own. I mean we all wrote the lyrics and music collectively and I've just been in a creative dreamworld being able to do something like that. I never thought I was capable of it and have always wanted to create music but didn't realize just how I would do it- but sometimes it's so crazy how you meet just the right people in your life that allow you to do all the things you wanted to do. I mean, conveniently, Drew actually owns his own recording studio, so what it would have cost thousands of dollars for others to do, we did...for free. And with Jon's video production skills we can have an epic music video as well. Basically- we have cheated the system ;) hehe. But anyways, I am lovin' our first song and can't wait for it to be released to the world...it's kind of surreal how quickly it all came about but I have a feeling that we're on to something here...
It really does feel good though to feel capable of expressing myself creatively in this new way- being able to write something that I and so many people can relate to! :)

Discoveries...

DISCOVERIES:

At the grocery store....

Trader Joes' Gone Bananas Chocolate Covered Banana Bites 
    These have given me a new lease on life...and I know it sounds simple, and it is- but there's something about the proportions/texture of the creamy chocolate and miniature banana bites that aren't frozen like a rock that culminates in a heavenly experience that is unparalleled. Seriously. Get these. They're like, $1.99 at Trader Joes a.k.a the only place I choose to shop nowadays...

Trader Joes' premade pizza dough

    Let's add this to the ever-growing list of reasons why I adore Trader Joes: the pre-made pizza dough balls. Yes. for literally A DOLLAR, you get a wonderful pizza crust- not the gross, tough Boboli one that is already "baked" or what have you- no, this is a soft, doughy ball that allows you to be the masterpiece of your culinary creation. I made some pizza the other day with this, and it turned out literally amazingly. Plus- it's always fun to put on some Dean Martin, and pretend to be a pizza dough tosser. I'd never done it before- but somehow I instinctively was a master at distributing the dough evenly in the air. Guess my Italian roots come in handy for some thing, huh? :P
     If you are in the mood for some pizza that's not of the Domino's variety- get yourself to Trader Joes, get some pizza dough, sauce, cheese, toppings (I used bell peppers, onions, mushrooms and fromaggio and mozzarella cheese on a whole wheat curst!) And enjoy heaven.
OH also you can use a dough ball to create some amazingly delicoius homemade garlic knots ;)
That's Amore!

On the Internet...
ONE WORD: SPOTIFY.

    It's pretty amazing. It's literally like owning all of the music in the world. What it does is it imports your itunes library in an organized fashion- then it allows you to search and listen to whatever you want, streaming in real time. There are minimal ads, and there is virtually no loading time or anything- so it literally is like you own all of the music already! Another pretty cool thing about it is that there is the social aspect- you can "send" songs to friends, and see your friends' playlists and share playlists with your friends as well.
   Honestly I haven't dabbled too much in the social aspect of it yet- but it's wonderful for finding new music, as it has "related artists" to suggest to you- and instead of iTunes, where you are directed to merely samples of songs- you get to listen to the whole album! Pretty awesome if you ask me. And I mean Spotify has EVERYTHING. It even has obscure Broadway musicals and karaoke tracks! I can definitely see that coming in handy. And what's more, if you do decide to pay just a minimal price- you can connect it to your iPod  or iPhone to play it throughout your house through wifi. And I'm pretty sure you can store it on your mobile device as well, so you can literally own all the music in the world and take it with you everywhere!
    I think it's limited/invite only still, like you can get invites from people who already have it, or you just go to their website and sign up. That's how I got mine! :) But yeah. I'm obsessed. Definitely beats having to go to Youtube and deal with ads to listen to a certain song you want to hear. They're all provided here for you already! :)

FoodGawker

   Lovers of all things tasty, delicious, and unique will love FoodGawker! Here is a compendium of all the best food blog posts on the web, updated daily. I've found some pretty amazing recipes here that I can't wait to try like Nutella and banana chocolate crepes, and Cake Batter Martinis. the best part is ever single recipe has a stunning picture. It's like the largest recipe book that has the best recipes and best pictures. (Because we all skip over the recipes without a picture- let's be honest.)
   So f you love to cook, bake, or just love browsing through food- I'd recommend you to check out FoodGawker, Stat. Tastespotting is another similar site, if you run out of food to gawk at. (You won't. But feel free to waste more time! Yippee!)

In the music world...
Meaghan Smith, "The Cricket's Orchestra." 

   If you have the "500 Days of Summer" soundtrack, she is the one who did the cute cover of "Here Comes Your Man." Her music is a whimsical, lighthearted mix between Ingrid Michaelson, Sara Bareilles, The Ditty Bops, and She & Him. Definitely worth checking out for sure!

Matt Nathanson, "Modern Love."

   You may know Matt Nathanson by the song "Higher," which got some major radio airplay. But this new album is definitely worth listening to. I love the song "Faster." :)

Takin' Charge.

Okay. So if you read my blog you may have noticed I had not been feeling quite up to par lately.

After having a couple really great conversations with friends and making personal realizations that have put things into perspective for me- I have literally made a mental 180. And it truly is miraculous what can happen when you just DECIDE to make a positive shift- almost immediately I receiged the biggest/most lucrative writing assignment yet (bringing me closer and closer to my goal of quitting the restaurant biz!) and have received some really uplifting encouragement from the most unexpected of places.

Just putting myself out there, taking charge and re-connecting with old friends has really helped alot. I realized that I can't just expect people to bend over backwards to want to hang out with me, I have to put an effort in myself. And doing that has proven to be most beneficial.

It has also helped me tremendously to just count my blessings...be grateful for the great things in my life and to stop worrying and stressing about the things I don't have yet, or that haven't come into place yet. Just accepting what IS...is a very liberating concept. Of course, one should always be making efforts to improve and challenge themselves and further their career- but I think it's so important to realize the things you can and that you can't change, and accept where you are in life, and do all you can to change things for the better. But it's imperative to remember that certain things may not change immediately just because you want them to, and everything has its right timing. So patience is key. It's hard at times, oh is it hard- but making the best of the state you are in at this present moment is going to make you so much happier!

At this point in my life, I feel like I am glimpsing things turning around, finally. I've quit the job that had made me anxious and not very happy, and I am not officially done with training at Taco Mac and start my first shift Saturday. (Which is a double. Ugh. But at least I'll get some monayy! haha) I think it's definitely a more positive environment, and much nicer for my gas tank, too :)

I've also signed officially with Real People Models & Talent. I'm excited to see where this takes me, and with the onslaught of new movies being filmed here, there's no telling just what the industry has up its sleeve for me. Maybe I'll be on your movie screen soon ;) There are also SETC and UPTA auditions coming up and it would be pretty great to get some theatre work, especially musical theatre- seeing as how much I miss it! I actually really miss singing in general. I would love to take some voice lessons but just can't afford it right now, unfortunately...but soon I will get myself a keyboard and I can start my new endeavor of singing/songwriting which I am really excited about- so I suppose then I'll be singing :) I think that I'm going to start out doing covers, mainly until I start writing some songs. That will be alot of fun, I think!

I also think I want to start painting again...in my apartment there is this little sunny nook by the balcony that is tiled that I think would make the most perfect little area to set up an easel and just paint. Granted, I need to get some supplies, but once I have a surplus of money to spend I think I may just slowly build up some art supplies and paint again. We're going to need some decorations for the living room as I have hung up all my old paintings in my bedroom, hehe.

Anyways, I am just feeling generally really good and in a good mood lately, and it's literally because I decided to. Never underestimate the power of positive thoughts- you really have so much more power than you think to control your mood. If you are constantly being swayed by circumstances surrounding you and wallowing in negativity, of course that will always breed negativity and unfortunate situations. So smile more. Do something nice for someone. Just decide to be happy. And you will.  :)

I don't know what it is about me lately, but I've been feeling so darn emotional! Why! Why this outpouring of emotions coming at me randomly?!

Perhaps it is all the alone time I have had lately to be able to really think.

I've just been in a strange little funk, and I don't like it.

Sometimes I find myself even, well, sad at times. Granted, I realize my life could be alot worse. I mean, I'm living in my own apartment in Atlanta, pursuing what I love, and experiencing some successes, however minor they may be.
But I do have to say the grandeur of city life is not exactly what I thought it would be. Instead of going out and experiencing fun nightlife and exciting adventures nonstop like I was sure I would be doing, I find myself just sitting around my apartment by myself...watching Youtube video clips of "My Strange Addiction" or what have you. Reading random Yahoo articles. Eating.

And it seems like the people I thought I would be hanging out with alot seem caught up with other people and things, and my ever-so-passive nature just dismisses it and lets it happen. It's weird- I'm so incredibly pro-active with my career and the things I want, yet I can be so amazingly passive when it comes to my relationships with people. And now that I'm no longer in the safety net of college, where I am required to always hang out and maintain relationships with my peers, I find myself just letting friendships melt away...letting myself lose touch with people... which in turn makes me feel well, lonely.

Loneliness is not a feeling I'm used to. At ALL. In college I valued my alone time greatly. I literally don't think there was a moment that I felt bored, or lonely- because in the spare chance I had, say, an evening or afternoon all to myself, I completely relished in it.

However now I'm swimming in alone time, which is not necessarily a bad thing. But it also allows me to overthink situations and realize just how much I think I took people for granted. And realizing something like that always puts a sour taste in your mouth.... =/

Connecting with people on certain levels is something that I struggle with. I mean, it's pretty easy for me to make acquaintances and connect with people on a surface level. However, I've always been the person who has a small, select group of really close friends who truly know everything about me. And that's not to say that I have deep dark secrets and skeletons in my closet or what have you, haha, but I just have a hard time really opening up to people at times. And that's not to say that I haven't met some truly amazing people to be friends with here in the past few months, but I sometimes worry about being invasive on their life-long friendships- me being the "new girl" so to speak.

I guess it's weird because I don't really have any "roots" here, per se. Not that I really did in Columbus at first either- but going into college and especially studying theatre, you create roots easily, and I did have them for the 4 years I attended CSU. And I know that there are people from CSU that are here in Atlanta, but alot of the time I feel like we are doing such different things that I still have a hard time connecting, unfortunately.

Disconnected really is the best word for how I feel right now. From friends, from the world, from myself. I really hope this passes soon, because it is quite the unsettling feeling! And I know I normally am always the cheerful, look on the bright side type of person, so it's weird for me to be feeling a little down...and I feel like nobody really understands exactly what I'm going through so I don't want to just sit and complain about it...hence why I have been having some rather personal posts lately on my blog.

I just miss certain things. Like theatre. I really miss theatre, honestly. I think I miss it because of the connection I felt throughout the whole process- the connection to a character, to my fellow actors in the show, to the story, to the audience during production...it's really a huge collaboration and shared art that it's impossible to not feel connected to anything.

I'm just struggling in this transition phase. And even though I'm technically all transitioned into my new place, new city, etc....I'm undergoing an internal transition which is hardest of all, really. I'm so used to focusing on myself and my needs 24/7 in college and while it paid off, I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of myself. Is that weird? Like, I obviously am still very focused on my career and am trying to make things happen, but at this point I just want more than that.

I don't know what that means exactly, but when I figure it out I'll let you know.

Stagnant.

I dub this summer "Stagnant Summer."

As much as I love summertime because I truly enjoy frolicking in water, being able to wear rompers outdoors and not worrying about staying warm- I feel as though it is just time for it to be over!

I declared that this fall is when things would seriously start turning around for me, especially career-wise, so I think I'm just getting impatient. I'm just ready to leap! I'm ready to quit serving for good, book some large gigs, and pursue what I love to do full-time, no questions asked. I KNOW it doesn't happen right away. I'm not stupid. But it's oh, so hard to remain patient at times!

I think it's just going to take some risks for me to be really happy. For example, I'm about to sign an exclusive contract with a bigger ATL based agency than the one I'm with now...and while it may be a risky move- I think it may be just what I need to kickstart everything into motion! I'm a huge believer in following your gut and instincts, and taking opportunities when they fall into your lap. Everything is put in your path for a reason, so I feel that it would definitely be a good idea.

Along with taking leaps in my career, I think I may be at this point where I can take leaps in my personal life as well. I'm unbelievably guarded at times, especially when it comes to issues of the heart- I don't want to hurt people and of course I don't want to be hurt as well. (Who does?) So in essence I just don't *allow* myself to feel certain things, constantly upholding my fiercely independent ways to the core. I've always lived with this philosophy that me and my career is of utmost importance no matter what. (Selfish? Maybe. Necessary? Yes.) I strongly believe that I absolutely could not be at the point I am right now if it wasn't for this mindset, especially through my college years.

However, now that I'm settled a bit into my "adult life" and my career is at a point where I feel like I have control of the reins, so to speak- I can almost begin to see myself dissolving a bit of that brick wall that usually surrounds me. I actually find myself craving companionship more than my alone time sometime, which is highly unusual for me if you know me. 

Granted, this personal transition and realization is absolutely terrifying to say the least. Being one that can honestly say I've never experienced my heart broken by another person completely- the notion that this could happen if I start to allow myself to open up is so extremely scary. I'm so afraid of putting myself out there and literally run the other direction at the first hint of rejection. I'm so afraid of being "that needy girl" that I probably can seem cold-hearted at times, but it's just really my way of protecting myself, from, well-myself.


Really, I wish I wasn't so darn awkward.

Odd Things I've Done.

 One day for Halloween we were allowed to go in the costume shop at school and try on the craziest things we could find. Of course I went for the sparkles! Interestingly, I actually got to wear those gaudy shoes in a show eventually.

 This was one of my birthday parties. I magically attracted angry cylindrical balloons to my face through sheer will!

 The summer after my freshman year in college, I taught theatre to a group of children at an arts camp called Midsummer Macon. One of my ideas was for them to make masks...this was my example. Bizarre.

 While preparing to decorate our new apartment, my roommate and I came across these picture frames at Target with Alien-esque babies. Hence, the "Alien Baby Trio" was formed.

 I don't. even. buh. We decided to have a Top Model day. We ended up taking these random pictures for some reason...and this is what came out of it. I obviously cut and pasted in MS Paint..if you couldn't tell.

 I turned myself into a man once. John Stamos?

 I decided to turn myself into a Christmas present! Wee!

 One day I decided to sponge-curl my hair on a whim. I literally looked like Shirley Temple for 3 days.

HELLO KITTY PAJAMASSSS

  

 Posing with cats (preferably clothed) is a popular pastime of mine.

I let Robin "dress me up." This was obviously a bad decision.

 This was me before a performance of Crazy For You... We had some cake beforehand. I decided its home should be my head.

 I just decided that paper would make great facial hair for some reason. 

 Posing with life-size donuts is always a fun time.

 I turned myself into the Bride of Chucky for a costume contest. Pretty craycray.

Me and my friend Megan wrote a parody song of Ke$ha's "We R Who We R." It was about baking and some of the lyrics included "I take it nice and slow... when I'm kneading my dough...Don't you wanna know ....my secret recipe?!"

My honest and uncensored thoughts on...

Planking.
OMG YOU'RE SO COOL BECAUSE YOU LAID DOWN FACE FIRST ON A RANDOM OBJECT LOLOMG
I'm sorry. You're dumb.

The Casey Anthony Case.

In the great words of Antoine Dodson,

That is all.


Hair Feathers.

Um...I'm sorry. Gluing fishing bait into your hair ala Steven Tyler and Ke$ha just creeps me out. I have no idea how/why this is such a huge craze right now but I just feel like it's dumb and those feathers just look gross for some reason...like...ehh. No feathers for me, thanks.

Post-College Life.
There are some parts about my post-college life that are super awesome: No class for example. Or having to deal with financial aid. Or knowing I don't have to study for an exam. Or write a paper. (Hmm. Well as a freelance writer I still kind of have to do that...although instead of a grade I get money. So I guess that's an upgrade of sorts!) Although there are some parts that are just straight up weird/annoying at the moment. For one, at the moment I'm feeling really disconnected/detached form friends that I used to be attached at the hip with. It's just...odd. I mean I understand it's naturally going to happen, but it's weird to get used to. And I mean I have other new friends that I've gotten closer to over the last few months which is nice. But I just feel like I keep detaching myself from people and I don't know why! I mean...yes...I'm independent and I have always been. But I see myself involuntarily detaching myself more and more from people. I don't know why I do it! But that's something I just need to figure out. Meh. /endtherapysession.

Boys.
Hey boy! It's painfully obvious I like you! If you like me too...awesome. You should let me know. If you don't...not awesome, but I still need to know so that I can stop feeling like some weird anomaly! I just want to know if we're on the same page, that is all.
(I'm too chicken to address this because I'm scared and severely lacking in courage at the moment.I refuse to be judged. You know you all do it too. )


Shadyness.
Stop being shady, people. It's not cool.

Help me!

Hello friends!
Feeling like a good Samaritan? Well, there are a couple ways that I can use you guys' help right now.

Why would you want to help me?

Well, 1.) It would help me get a little bit of an income so that I can live my life not having nervous breakdowns about paying bills, 2.) All those warm fuzzy feelings you get from helping people will be rampantly coursing through your veins, and 3.) You may get a chuckle or two and/or actually find something useful!

So how exactly can you help me? Well there are a couple projects I've got going on that can take maybe 5 minutes total of your time.

The first one is for this modeling casting call that is relying on promotion from their facebook page in order to choose their models. It is for a jewelry line called Shore Side Jewelry Co. and the selected models get a pretty great (paid!) shoot/opportunities. All you have to do is "Like" their FB Page by clicking here and then subsequently "Like" the photo of me here. That's it! Just a few seconds of your time. I know all you are doing is watching youtube videos of cats, anyways. So just take one second to help a sistah out and I would be so very grateful!


How else can you help me?

Well, I actually work for this site called Best 5 Everything which is basically a compilation of lists created by the users. Through the site alone you can win points which can be redeemable for Amazon giftcards or the proceeds can be donated through charities- however I'm working for a separate client, albeit through this website. Essentially, I just need page views on my lists! Some of my favorites/most helpful include:

• The Best 5 Reasons To Use Twitter
• The Best 4 Free Atlanta Actor Casting Call Sites
• Best 5 Ways to Waste Time on the Internet

and many more! So check out my lists, tweet/Like them if you find one or more amusing, and it would actually help me out alot :)

Thanks everyone so much!

Swimwear Lust.

I want.