Guess what I did last week?

Jumped out of a plane.

No, seriously, I did.

Me and some good friends of mine decided to go skydiving, and...can I just say...it was one of the most AMAZING experiences of my ENTIRE life. 

Like...I'm almost positive there is nothing more scary than jumping out of a plane and freefalling...but the feeling you get once you've landed is one of utmost accomplishment. It's like- man, I've jumped out of a freaking PLANE. I can do ANYTHINNG!!!

It's like nothing in this world can even scare you because you've just done the scariest thing you could possibly do. At least for me it was. I was in tears on the plane from the general overwhelming fear that consumed me and of what I was about to do. 

But I'm so glad I did!

I seriously would recommend it to anybody. It's something I think everyone HAS to experience at least once, no matter how scared they are of it. It will make you feel like an entirely brand new person...seriously.

 

But you know what's funny? I have the courage to jump out of a plane yet I find that lately I'm lacking courage to just have a singular conversation with someone, because I'm so terrified of the results. Don't you wish you could just say whatever you wanted to say without any repercussions?! Sigh. I just wish I could stop thinking about this certain situation and just continue life as it was before it all came about. But alas. I'm just feeling really conflicted and it's not the greatest of feelings in the world, but I'm a strong girl. 

Sometimes, though I get tired of always being the strong, independent one all the time. 

I don't know why, but lately I've felt super emotional. Like way more than I usually am. I don't know what it is, but it's really strange...like...I can cry at the drop of a hat, or get REALLY angry about something small. I usually am so laid-back and can easily brush things off my shoulders, but for some reason things have been hitting me hard lately. It's weird. Meh. At least it may be good for my acting..? Ha!

Anyways, lately life has been a little...well.. not hard. But a bit of a struggle at times. I work all the time at Taco Mac, and while most of the time it's not too bad, I just feel like I live there basically. And it's rough because serving is not always the easiest job. Granted, I make pretty good money which allows me to live somewhat comfortably at the present moment, but it's almost not worth it. I said ALMOST. ha. I do enjoy the funds! :) But it just makes me long for the days when I can operate solely from freelancing writing/acting/playing music. It's hard also because I still have my writing gigs, so sometimes I have to spend half the day writing and the other half at Taco Mac. But it's okay.

So something else that's been going on my life is that there is this guy, right? And it's like...being around him makes me feel so incredibly happy and comfortable and like all is right with the world, but things are not very...definite. And in a way that is good, because I don't think either of us are really ready for something very definite at the moment, but at the same time this whole situation scares me, alot, because I feel like I am at this point where I am allowing myself to get hurt even though we are not even at any definite state. I'm afraid of pushing him away, so I don't want to make things weird by bringing up the "what are we?" conversation...But I just find myself in a dilemma because there are these other guys that want to go on dates with me and pursue something and I just find myself closing them off because I can't really put my heart into it. I just feel like it's almost not fair to them to do so, even though others say I should since I am not in any sort of committed relationship. Long story short- my "lovelife" is very complicated. I'm just letting things flow naturally and see how things go without trying to push anything. The last thing I want to do is push this person away from my life and scare them, as they are dealing with residual issues, which...aren't we all?

I don 't know what I really "want" from the situation per se....maybe just some sort of confirmation that I'm not the only one who feels the way I do. But oh little ole' me is so afraid to rock the boat. Le sigh. Well we'll just see what happens. I can be patient. I've been patient with every aspect in my life for the past few months and I can continue it!

And the summer ends...

Let me preface this post by saying this:
This summer has put me through the ringer emotionally, physically, and everything in between.
Transitioning from college to "real person" life is very hard, I must say. I had heard others talk about it and thought, nah, I'm sure it will be fine...but no. Seriously I don't think I have had this hard of a time adjusting to situations in a long time. I've had mini bouts of depression, mixed in with some really awesome times as well- so it's just been...weird.

Career-wise- it's been pretty exciting. I've got some cool things under my belt, and I feel like I'm just in this "brewing" phase...like in the next couple seasons I predict some majorly awesome things to happen and I'm just waiting right now. But it's okay- because fall is almost here! Yayy! But yeah, I mean it's been a little slow, not constant acting work or anything but that was to be expected. But with Backalley Strut's marketing material and fundraising campaigns about to start soon and some other projects in the works- I'm really excited about what is to come in the future- but I have to say, this summer has taught me alot about patience, ESPECIALLY when it comes to my career.

Job-wise, I've been through 2 different "survival" jobs. The first one didn't really work out, so I am at Taco Mac now and honestly it is working out so much better for me. I'm making a ton more money than I did before, and am actually pretty financially secure right now, which is an amazing feeling for sure! The only downfall here is that I'm working alot more. Like...I feel like I LIVE there. The good thing about that though, is that it kind of allows me to create friendly relationships with the other people I work with, and it will help me transition from "new girl" quicker. I already feel pretty assimilated, and this week has definitely been easier than the first. My first week I was scheduled for literally 8 shifts including 3 doubles...it was really rough, especially seeing as I'm just not used to that yet! It really drained me. But I think that I am getting more used to it now which is good. I don't foresee myself staying there FOREVER or anything, but it is a pretty positive environment, the clientele is easy-going, and I haven't had any real issues or anything. So that's always good.

Something else that's going on in my life right now that I'm SUPER excited about is that I'm in a band! It has not been officially named yet, however it includes me on the keys, Jonathan on guitar, Drew on guitar/bass, and probably other various people will join in with other instruments. We also all do the vocals so we 've got some pretty cool harmonies and such. We already wrote and recorded our first song. It isn't completely finished so it won't be released yet for a while- however it is so awesome to be able to hear something that you created completely on your own. I mean we all wrote the lyrics and music collectively and I've just been in a creative dreamworld being able to do something like that. I never thought I was capable of it and have always wanted to create music but didn't realize just how I would do it- but sometimes it's so crazy how you meet just the right people in your life that allow you to do all the things you wanted to do. I mean, conveniently, Drew actually owns his own recording studio, so what it would have cost thousands of dollars for others to do, we did...for free. And with Jon's video production skills we can have an epic music video as well. Basically- we have cheated the system ;) hehe. But anyways, I am lovin' our first song and can't wait for it to be released to the world...it's kind of surreal how quickly it all came about but I have a feeling that we're on to something here...
It really does feel good though to feel capable of expressing myself creatively in this new way- being able to write something that I and so many people can relate to! :)