on dealing with things.

So today we found out that a friend from the theatre department passed away suddenly from pneumonia.

It has been really somber around here all day, and has infiltrated all of our goings-on.

I still haven't really reacted to it- which is weird... like I haven't even felt like crying at all.

Granted, I was not that close to him. But I did enjoy his presence when I did see him, and there are many that were just as close to him as I was that are not able to take it well and that have been really upset all day about it.

There was a big informal group get-together type of memorial thing earlier, and most of all of the theatre department went. I did not. Does that make me heartless? I don't know.

I don't really know why I'm feeling devoid of emotion towards the whole situation. '

In one way I think it hasn't truly sunk in with me yet. Even when I found out, I did not really comprehend it.

I think I don't really know how to deal with the fact that someone is just all of a sudden gone, and I am choosing not to. I don't know.

5 years ago, I had to watch my father battle leukemia for 7 months, and then be told that he had 3 days left to live. My father, whom I was extremely close to growing up. I feel like I may have cried enough for my whole life in those 3 days. It may be that that is the only way I can really comprehend death, that is, being told in advance. Which is pretty uncommon, actually.

It's a much different thing to just be told, 'hey, btw this person is gone'
It is just kind of surreal. I'm not going to be that person that is like, "Oh I love you so much" and act like we had this tight relationship when we obviously didn't. However, I saw him on occasion, and everytime I did he never ceased to bring a smile to my face.

I just don't know how to really react I guess? It still seems like it hasn't happened. I still feel a disconnect to the whole thing. I don't know why. I think that I have gone through so much pain that I won't let myself connect with it. Who knows.