So I feel the weather is getting cool, and for some reason everytime the weather gets cool again I feel all nostalgic for some reason. I don't even know to what specifically- but it is an interesting feeling that I always get.
And it's really weird...but for the first time I'm not even terribly upset about it starting to get cooler again. Possibly because I have cute fall/winter clothes, but there is something oddly refreshing about the cool breeze in the air that is just rejuvenating me right now. I think the weather just always brings about nice memories of years past.
I am just really excited about like Christmas break for some reason...and knowing that after Christmas break I will be starting my VERY LAST SEMESTER OF COLLEGE.....EVER.
That thought is just unbelievably exciting!
I think it's because there are just so many opportunities out there just waiting on me to finish my classes. I feel like life is saying "Janine, hurry up!" Haha.
And I know I should enjoy these last months of college- but I think at this point I'm ready to just start living in a new city, with a fresh resurgence of hope and possibility. I can't wait until the day I am settled into my NYC apartment and I am able to say, "yeah, I live in New York." And live my life from audition to audition while possibly working as a waitress in an organic vegan restaurant and just being constantly surrounded by people who are driven, ambitious and are making things happen...
But for now I'll finish strong. Its getting closer and closer...
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
Thoughts.
(If you're wondering why I'm blogging alot lately, I'm really going to get back into blogging more frequently. Maybe once a day even!)
But anyways.
So here I am again, back to my completely single lifestyle.
There are no hard feelings with the other person but I just realized that I can't lie to myself and to someone and say I will be ready to be in a relationship anytime soon at all.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm honestly even capable of being in a relationship at all anymore. And when I say a relationship, I mean a real, make time out of my day whenever I can to see them, call them just to hear their voice, envision a future together type of relationship.
I find that usually I tend to just push people away- and it's not because I've been hurt by someone and am afraid of it- it's really just that I'm not comfortable with sacrificing for someone else at this point in my life. Point blank: I'm selfish. But I honestly don't think that I am in a bad way- I just am really clear on what I want in life, and am willing to do all that I can to do it. I'm so focused and goal oriented that I often feel like I am cheating the other person by not wanting to hang out when they want. Even when I have a "break," it's like- I just need time to myself. I have this really weird thing with feeling like I have to entertain people and I just don't like it. Also, I tend to get frustrated when others aren't as driven as I am, which is unfair to them seeing as I'm the definition of work-aholic, but I can't help it.
Also, I made a really harsh realization about myself yesterday.
If I continually push people away- I can't expect them to come through for ME either, even when I really want them to.
Yesterday, I completed a run of probably the best role I've ever had here at CSU, in a show that everyone loved, and that I have been working SO hard on and that I was extremely proud of- and the only person that showed up that I specifically invited (That wasn't already required to see it because of theatre convocation) was my mom. And I'm very grateful she could even make it as she had just got back in town from Germany, and she had to drive a ways away to come see me, too.
But you know, I didn't expect it to hit me as hard as it did.
I mean, I understand people have circumstances, work, schedules, life, etc., but you just expect certain people in your life to carve out literally only an hour and a half out of their time and a little bit of money to see you do something that you put your whole heart and soul into for over a month. Especially when you have been reminding them for months in advance. I am over it now, but yesterday my feelings were just really hurt- and it wasn't because of one person not showing up, it was several... and I just started feeling alone and disconnected.
I mean, the only person in my actual birth family that has ever even SEEN me in a show here is my mom. My stepdad and stepsister have come up before, which I definitely appreciate, but sometimes I just think about my family and how disjointed it is and it just makes me sad...
I mean, for one, all of my family (my dads side) in Chicago could basically care less about what I'm doing no matter how much they like to act like they do, and I mean obviously I wouldn't expect them to fly out here just to see a show, but I just feel like they are literally absent from my life. And I know, I guess I could call up every once in awhile, but they are SO saturated with negativity that it's ridiculous.
And my mom's side of the family lives in Germany, so yeah, I mean even harder right? So obviously I can't expect them to come....
Maybe this, coupled with me being an only child makes me push people away and be used to just being alone. I'm just used to people not being there, I guess. But that's not to say I grew up an isolated child by any means- my parents were completely supportive 100% of everything I ever wanted to do and were supremely loving and attentive- I couldn't have asked for better parents. But I don't know- sometimes I just feel like I have a hard time connecting to people, and those that I feel I have or had a connection with, I must do something to make it weaken.
I'm not writing all this out to get people to have some sort of pity party for me or whatever- but ya know, sometimes you just need to get it out, I guess. Blogging is therapeutic. :)
Also, I don't know what impression people have of me, but I always try to appear positive, I'm a positive person by nature anyways, and I try to be encouraging to others- but I obviously have things I struggle with and have gone through extreme hardships in my life. I want people to realize that if you really follow your passions and stay positive you can overcome whatever it is, and you shouldn't let your past haunt you or discourage you. Life really is what YOU make it and only you can make things happen for yourself!
But anyways.
So here I am again, back to my completely single lifestyle.
There are no hard feelings with the other person but I just realized that I can't lie to myself and to someone and say I will be ready to be in a relationship anytime soon at all.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm honestly even capable of being in a relationship at all anymore. And when I say a relationship, I mean a real, make time out of my day whenever I can to see them, call them just to hear their voice, envision a future together type of relationship.
I find that usually I tend to just push people away- and it's not because I've been hurt by someone and am afraid of it- it's really just that I'm not comfortable with sacrificing for someone else at this point in my life. Point blank: I'm selfish. But I honestly don't think that I am in a bad way- I just am really clear on what I want in life, and am willing to do all that I can to do it. I'm so focused and goal oriented that I often feel like I am cheating the other person by not wanting to hang out when they want. Even when I have a "break," it's like- I just need time to myself. I have this really weird thing with feeling like I have to entertain people and I just don't like it. Also, I tend to get frustrated when others aren't as driven as I am, which is unfair to them seeing as I'm the definition of work-aholic, but I can't help it.
Also, I made a really harsh realization about myself yesterday.
If I continually push people away- I can't expect them to come through for ME either, even when I really want them to.
Yesterday, I completed a run of probably the best role I've ever had here at CSU, in a show that everyone loved, and that I have been working SO hard on and that I was extremely proud of- and the only person that showed up that I specifically invited (That wasn't already required to see it because of theatre convocation) was my mom. And I'm very grateful she could even make it as she had just got back in town from Germany, and she had to drive a ways away to come see me, too.
But you know, I didn't expect it to hit me as hard as it did.
I mean, I understand people have circumstances, work, schedules, life, etc., but you just expect certain people in your life to carve out literally only an hour and a half out of their time and a little bit of money to see you do something that you put your whole heart and soul into for over a month. Especially when you have been reminding them for months in advance. I am over it now, but yesterday my feelings were just really hurt- and it wasn't because of one person not showing up, it was several... and I just started feeling alone and disconnected.
I mean, the only person in my actual birth family that has ever even SEEN me in a show here is my mom. My stepdad and stepsister have come up before, which I definitely appreciate, but sometimes I just think about my family and how disjointed it is and it just makes me sad...
I mean, for one, all of my family (my dads side) in Chicago could basically care less about what I'm doing no matter how much they like to act like they do, and I mean obviously I wouldn't expect them to fly out here just to see a show, but I just feel like they are literally absent from my life. And I know, I guess I could call up every once in awhile, but they are SO saturated with negativity that it's ridiculous.
And my mom's side of the family lives in Germany, so yeah, I mean even harder right? So obviously I can't expect them to come....
Maybe this, coupled with me being an only child makes me push people away and be used to just being alone. I'm just used to people not being there, I guess. But that's not to say I grew up an isolated child by any means- my parents were completely supportive 100% of everything I ever wanted to do and were supremely loving and attentive- I couldn't have asked for better parents. But I don't know- sometimes I just feel like I have a hard time connecting to people, and those that I feel I have or had a connection with, I must do something to make it weaken.
I'm not writing all this out to get people to have some sort of pity party for me or whatever- but ya know, sometimes you just need to get it out, I guess. Blogging is therapeutic. :)
Also, I don't know what impression people have of me, but I always try to appear positive, I'm a positive person by nature anyways, and I try to be encouraging to others- but I obviously have things I struggle with and have gone through extreme hardships in my life. I want people to realize that if you really follow your passions and stay positive you can overcome whatever it is, and you shouldn't let your past haunt you or discourage you. Life really is what YOU make it and only you can make things happen for yourself!
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Makeovers!
Okay, so this evening I've just been lazying about- and playing with this Instyle Virtual Makeover thing online. (Visit it here!) As far as virtual beauty makeover type games go, this is probably the best one there is. It is very easy to customize each hairstyle to fit your face, and they are all high-quality photos taken directly from celebrity photos. It is also one of the only ones that lets you customize makeup well. But anyways, I came up with some interesting hairstyles and it was pretty eye-opening actually! Here are some of my favorites:
1.) The Gisele Bundchen hair. Long, voluptuous and golden blonde/brown. I really like this actually! There's enough brown in it to make it fit my skintone and eyebrows, and I feel like I would love to have long, flowing locks such as these. :P
2.) This was a Vanessa Hudgens style. I really really like this color, actually, and the bangs- it really makes my eyes pop which is cool! I feel like this is a really dramatically different look and makes me thinki if maybe I should go darker? Hmm...
3.) The Reese Witherspoon hair. You know, oddly, I feel like this cool blonde actually works somehow?! Maybe it's just this particular photo of me, haha. But I am really liking this. It's so dramatically different, too- this is like the California version of me. It would be very difficult to take care of. Having had blonde hair before, I speak from experience. This shade is even lighter than what I've had, as well. But I think it does look nice in this picture :P
5.) The Mandy Moore. This isn't necessarily "red," but an auburny brown color which is really interesting to see on me as I have never had hair this color before. But I'm kind of liking it too! It's a nice warm look.
6.) The Julia Roberts. Venturing more into red territory, (My ginger friends are crying in protest, I'm sure :P ) this is actually not as odd as you might think it would look on me. Albeit it is on the brown side of red, and probably the threshold of redness I could take in my hair before I started looking strange. I'm loving the big waves though!
7.) The Jessica Alba. I really like this haircolor/cut! it looks very nice and fresh and makes me consider lightening up a bit. Since it's the fall maybe I wouldn't do it, but maybe I'll consider it for next Spring/Summer? I'm really liking these bangs, too.
And in case you needed to see it again, this is the original shot I used as the basis for all these shots:
It's fun to play around with these hairstyles and colors because I'm honestly not able to just change my hair around all the time whenever I please as an actress. Especially now that I JUST got new headshots... haha.
But if you have some time to spare and not do anything productive, definitely give this website a shot! It's alot of fun :)
1.) The Gisele Bundchen hair. Long, voluptuous and golden blonde/brown. I really like this actually! There's enough brown in it to make it fit my skintone and eyebrows, and I feel like I would love to have long, flowing locks such as these. :P
2.) This was a Vanessa Hudgens style. I really really like this color, actually, and the bangs- it really makes my eyes pop which is cool! I feel like this is a really dramatically different look and makes me thinki if maybe I should go darker? Hmm...
3.) The Reese Witherspoon hair. You know, oddly, I feel like this cool blonde actually works somehow?! Maybe it's just this particular photo of me, haha. But I am really liking this. It's so dramatically different, too- this is like the California version of me. It would be very difficult to take care of. Having had blonde hair before, I speak from experience. This shade is even lighter than what I've had, as well. But I think it does look nice in this picture :P
5.) The Mandy Moore. This isn't necessarily "red," but an auburny brown color which is really interesting to see on me as I have never had hair this color before. But I'm kind of liking it too! It's a nice warm look.
6.) The Julia Roberts. Venturing more into red territory, (My ginger friends are crying in protest, I'm sure :P ) this is actually not as odd as you might think it would look on me. Albeit it is on the brown side of red, and probably the threshold of redness I could take in my hair before I started looking strange. I'm loving the big waves though!
7.) The Jessica Alba. I really like this haircolor/cut! it looks very nice and fresh and makes me consider lightening up a bit. Since it's the fall maybe I wouldn't do it, but maybe I'll consider it for next Spring/Summer? I'm really liking these bangs, too.
And in case you needed to see it again, this is the original shot I used as the basis for all these shots:
It's fun to play around with these hairstyles and colors because I'm honestly not able to just change my hair around all the time whenever I please as an actress. Especially now that I JUST got new headshots... haha.
But if you have some time to spare and not do anything productive, definitely give this website a shot! It's alot of fun :)
Super! Psycho!
Click here to see the trailer for the movie I'm in, My Super Psycho Sweet 16 Part 2. Hopefully you'll be able to see me in the actual movie. It airs on MTV on October 22nd. I'm in the party scenes :P
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Killer!
Okay, I'm on a blogging roll today, I know, but I'm a little obsessed with this model's haircut:
I don't know why. There's something about it that just seems very fresh, modern, edgy, and fun all at the same time! Even though I know that it would not be the best decision for my career, and that I should let my hair grow out... I kind of really want to get it cut like that. Maybe I could get some fun extensions?? haha.
By the way, the site that this model is from is called www.shopnastygal.com, and they have some killer clothes and accessories! Here are some of my favorites:
They're definitely worth checking out!
I don't know why. There's something about it that just seems very fresh, modern, edgy, and fun all at the same time! Even though I know that it would not be the best decision for my career, and that I should let my hair grow out... I kind of really want to get it cut like that. Maybe I could get some fun extensions?? haha.By the way, the site that this model is from is called www.shopnastygal.com, and they have some killer clothes and accessories! Here are some of my favorites:
They're definitely worth checking out!
Obsessions as of late.
Saunas.
Chill frozen yogurt.
The Fresh Market.
Pink lipgloss.
Scheduling.
Planning.
Organizing.
Cleaning.
Murad and BeFine skincare products.
High Intensity Interval Training.
Candy Corn.
Sweet potatoes.
That being said, I have a question-
I was joking with EJ and said I should write for the saber, and maybe do articles on fashion, health, beauty tips, etc.- and he said that it would be an actually feasible thing.
Do you think I should do it? Let me know! I mean I already do it on my 2 blogs I update. Might as well get paid for it haha.
Chill frozen yogurt.
The Fresh Market.
Pink lipgloss.
Scheduling.
Planning.
Organizing.
Cleaning.
Murad and BeFine skincare products.
High Intensity Interval Training.
Candy Corn.
Sweet potatoes.
That being said, I have a question-
I was joking with EJ and said I should write for the saber, and maybe do articles on fashion, health, beauty tips, etc.- and he said that it would be an actually feasible thing.
Do you think I should do it? Let me know! I mean I already do it on my 2 blogs I update. Might as well get paid for it haha.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
shabooommm
So things are a little well, crazy to say the least. I have been furiously working on my directing analysis, and that's finally done so YAY on that. I started rehearsals for my directing scene last night and I'm really excited about it. It's a French farce, really over-the-top ridiculous but tons of fun! It's a little tiring rehearsing that after rehearsing Spelling Bee, but at least today I get a little break seeing as I only have to be there from 8:45-9:30 tonight. Wee!
So that's nice.
Oh and another thing- I semi-quit Red Robin. Well, I'm on "pick-up only" status, which means that I'm still employed but not on the schedule and can just pick up shifts whenever I need to. Which won't be often, I can guarantee you that, seeing as I got this nice sum of money from CSU RANDOMLY. I really can't explain how I got it, other than just the world being on my side :)
So because of that sum of money, I really don't NEED the job this semester at all, and subsequently have become more and more annoyed with the place. It's just little things that are annoying me that I don't want to get into on a public forum, but it's really just my mind shifting priorities. Now that school/rehearsals have started I've got theatre, and my schoolwork and graduating on the brain and my life AFTER college mainly- and I just can't wrap my head around stressing myself about minute things at work that really are not benefiting me in the long I have no desire to make a career out of being a server at a burger place. But I mean, that's just me.
So I think that the next time I get a job, I really want to work somewhere where I feel some sort of fulfillment, where I am really benefiting people more, or getting something more out of it. I don't know. Maybe I'm just being picky b/c my financial situation is better :P But hey, one could have worse problems in life.
So other than that, I've just been rehearsing, preparing for GTC, and bettering myself. I'm feeling wonderful now that I've been working out very regularly again like I used to, and I've been eating very healthily and I just feel great! I'm shedding this summer weight slowly but surely and by the time I graduate I'll be in tip top condition!
Another reason I want to be in great shape is because I really think I would like to pursue some modeling on the side as well. (I know, I already do too much haha) But after doing these shoots with Damonee recently, I just really see how much fun it is and I started a Model Mayhem account- (A networking tool for models, photographers, makeup artists, etc. I already had one for makeup artist work but I opened up another one solely for modeling) and I've gotten alot of positive feedback and offers to work with other local photographers and things once I have more time which is exciting! I'm not trying to be a runway model or anything, obviously seeing as I am 5'2," but I think I could definitely look into some commercial modeling. I think it's fun, and who knows! I'm just taking everything that comes at me, really.
I'm just rollin' with the punches and trying to be proactive with life- and I feel that if you are and remain positive that doors will open for you! So life is good. :)
So that's nice.
Oh and another thing- I semi-quit Red Robin. Well, I'm on "pick-up only" status, which means that I'm still employed but not on the schedule and can just pick up shifts whenever I need to. Which won't be often, I can guarantee you that, seeing as I got this nice sum of money from CSU RANDOMLY. I really can't explain how I got it, other than just the world being on my side :)
So because of that sum of money, I really don't NEED the job this semester at all, and subsequently have become more and more annoyed with the place. It's just little things that are annoying me that I don't want to get into on a public forum, but it's really just my mind shifting priorities. Now that school/rehearsals have started I've got theatre, and my schoolwork and graduating on the brain and my life AFTER college mainly- and I just can't wrap my head around stressing myself about minute things at work that really are not benefiting me in the long I have no desire to make a career out of being a server at a burger place. But I mean, that's just me.
So I think that the next time I get a job, I really want to work somewhere where I feel some sort of fulfillment, where I am really benefiting people more, or getting something more out of it. I don't know. Maybe I'm just being picky b/c my financial situation is better :P But hey, one could have worse problems in life.
So other than that, I've just been rehearsing, preparing for GTC, and bettering myself. I'm feeling wonderful now that I've been working out very regularly again like I used to, and I've been eating very healthily and I just feel great! I'm shedding this summer weight slowly but surely and by the time I graduate I'll be in tip top condition!
Another reason I want to be in great shape is because I really think I would like to pursue some modeling on the side as well. (I know, I already do too much haha) But after doing these shoots with Damonee recently, I just really see how much fun it is and I started a Model Mayhem account- (A networking tool for models, photographers, makeup artists, etc. I already had one for makeup artist work but I opened up another one solely for modeling) and I've gotten alot of positive feedback and offers to work with other local photographers and things once I have more time which is exciting! I'm not trying to be a runway model or anything, obviously seeing as I am 5'2," but I think I could definitely look into some commercial modeling. I think it's fun, and who knows! I'm just taking everything that comes at me, really.
I'm just rollin' with the punches and trying to be proactive with life- and I feel that if you are and remain positive that doors will open for you! So life is good. :)
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