Thoughts.

(If you're wondering why I'm blogging alot lately, I'm really going to get back into blogging more frequently. Maybe once a day even!)

But anyways.

So here I am again, back to my completely single lifestyle.
There are no hard feelings with the other person but I just realized that I can't lie to myself and to someone and say I will be ready to be in a relationship anytime soon at all.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm honestly even capable of being in a relationship at all anymore. And when I say a relationship, I mean a real, make time out of my day whenever I can to see them, call them just to hear their voice, envision a future together type of relationship.

I find that usually I tend to just push people away- and it's not because I've been hurt by someone and am afraid of it- it's really just that I'm not comfortable with sacrificing for someone else at this point in my life. Point blank: I'm selfish. But I honestly don't think that I am in a bad way- I just am really clear on what I want in life, and am willing to do all that I can to do it. I'm so focused and goal oriented that I often feel like I am cheating the other person by not wanting to hang out when they want. Even when I have a "break," it's like- I just need time to myself. I have this really weird thing with feeling like I have to entertain people and I just don't like it. Also, I tend to get frustrated when others aren't as driven as I am, which is unfair to them seeing as I'm the definition of work-aholic, but I can't help it.

Also, I made a really harsh realization about myself yesterday.
If I continually push people away- I can't expect them to come through for ME either, even when I really want them to.

Yesterday, I completed a run of probably the best role I've ever had here at CSU, in a show that everyone loved, and that I have been working SO hard on and that I was extremely proud of- and the only person that showed up that I specifically invited (That wasn't already required to see it because of theatre convocation) was my mom. And I'm very grateful she could even make it as she had just got back in town from Germany, and she had to drive a ways away to come see me, too.

But you know, I didn't expect it to hit me as hard as it did.

I mean, I understand people have circumstances, work, schedules, life, etc., but you just expect certain people in your life to carve out literally only an hour and a half out of their time and a little bit of money to see you do something that you put your whole heart and soul into for over a month. Especially when you have been reminding them for months in advance. I am over it now, but yesterday my feelings were just really hurt- and it wasn't because of one person not showing up, it was several... and I just started feeling alone and disconnected.

I mean, the only person in my actual birth family that has ever even SEEN me in a show here is my mom. My stepdad and stepsister have come up before, which I definitely appreciate, but sometimes I just think about my family and how disjointed it is and it just makes me sad...

I mean, for one, all of my family (my dads side) in Chicago could basically care less about what I'm doing no matter how much they like to act like they do, and I mean obviously I wouldn't expect them to fly out here just to see a show, but I just feel like they are literally absent from my life. And I know, I guess I could call up every once in awhile, but they are SO saturated with negativity that it's ridiculous.

And my mom's side of the family lives in Germany, so yeah, I mean even harder right? So obviously I can't expect them to come....

Maybe this, coupled with me being an only child makes me push people away and be used to just being alone. I'm just used to people not being there, I guess. But that's not to say I grew up an isolated child by any means- my parents were completely supportive 100% of everything I ever wanted to do and were supremely loving and attentive- I couldn't have asked for better parents. But I don't know- sometimes I just feel like I have a hard time connecting to people, and those that I feel I have or had a connection with, I must do something to make it weaken.

I'm not writing all this out to get people to have some sort of pity party for me or whatever- but ya know, sometimes you just need to get it out, I guess. Blogging is therapeutic. :)

Also, I don't know what impression people have of me, but I always try to appear positive, I'm a positive person by nature anyways, and I try to be encouraging to others- but I obviously have things I struggle with and have gone through extreme hardships in my life. I want people to realize that if you really follow your passions and stay positive you can overcome whatever it is, and you shouldn't let your past haunt you or discourage you. Life really is what YOU make it and only you can make things happen for yourself!