A Life of Craziness.

I don't know what it is about me lately, but I've been feeling so darn emotional! Why! Why this outpouring of emotions coming at me randomly?!

Perhaps it is all the alone time I have had lately to be able to really think.

I've just been in a strange little funk, and I don't like it.

Sometimes I find myself even, well, sad at times. Granted, I realize my life could be alot worse. I mean, I'm living in my own apartment in Atlanta, pursuing what I love, and experiencing some successes, however minor they may be.
But I do have to say the grandeur of city life is not exactly what I thought it would be. Instead of going out and experiencing fun nightlife and exciting adventures nonstop like I was sure I would be doing, I find myself just sitting around my apartment by myself...watching Youtube video clips of "My Strange Addiction" or what have you. Reading random Yahoo articles. Eating.

And it seems like the people I thought I would be hanging out with alot seem caught up with other people and things, and my ever-so-passive nature just dismisses it and lets it happen. It's weird- I'm so incredibly pro-active with my career and the things I want, yet I can be so amazingly passive when it comes to my relationships with people. And now that I'm no longer in the safety net of college, where I am required to always hang out and maintain relationships with my peers, I find myself just letting friendships melt away...letting myself lose touch with people... which in turn makes me feel well, lonely.

Loneliness is not a feeling I'm used to. At ALL. In college I valued my alone time greatly. I literally don't think there was a moment that I felt bored, or lonely- because in the spare chance I had, say, an evening or afternoon all to myself, I completely relished in it.

However now I'm swimming in alone time, which is not necessarily a bad thing. But it also allows me to overthink situations and realize just how much I think I took people for granted. And realizing something like that always puts a sour taste in your mouth.... =/

Connecting with people on certain levels is something that I struggle with. I mean, it's pretty easy for me to make acquaintances and connect with people on a surface level. However, I've always been the person who has a small, select group of really close friends who truly know everything about me. And that's not to say that I have deep dark secrets and skeletons in my closet or what have you, haha, but I just have a hard time really opening up to people at times. And that's not to say that I haven't met some truly amazing people to be friends with here in the past few months, but I sometimes worry about being invasive on their life-long friendships- me being the "new girl" so to speak.

I guess it's weird because I don't really have any "roots" here, per se. Not that I really did in Columbus at first either- but going into college and especially studying theatre, you create roots easily, and I did have them for the 4 years I attended CSU. And I know that there are people from CSU that are here in Atlanta, but alot of the time I feel like we are doing such different things that I still have a hard time connecting, unfortunately.

Disconnected really is the best word for how I feel right now. From friends, from the world, from myself. I really hope this passes soon, because it is quite the unsettling feeling! And I know I normally am always the cheerful, look on the bright side type of person, so it's weird for me to be feeling a little down...and I feel like nobody really understands exactly what I'm going through so I don't want to just sit and complain about it...hence why I have been having some rather personal posts lately on my blog.

I just miss certain things. Like theatre. I really miss theatre, honestly. I think I miss it because of the connection I felt throughout the whole process- the connection to a character, to my fellow actors in the show, to the story, to the audience during production...it's really a huge collaboration and shared art that it's impossible to not feel connected to anything.

I'm just struggling in this transition phase. And even though I'm technically all transitioned into my new place, new city, etc....I'm undergoing an internal transition which is hardest of all, really. I'm so used to focusing on myself and my needs 24/7 in college and while it paid off, I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of myself. Is that weird? Like, I obviously am still very focused on my career and am trying to make things happen, but at this point I just want more than that.

I don't know what that means exactly, but when I figure it out I'll let you know.