Stagnant.

I dub this summer "Stagnant Summer."

As much as I love summertime because I truly enjoy frolicking in water, being able to wear rompers outdoors and not worrying about staying warm- I feel as though it is just time for it to be over!

I declared that this fall is when things would seriously start turning around for me, especially career-wise, so I think I'm just getting impatient. I'm just ready to leap! I'm ready to quit serving for good, book some large gigs, and pursue what I love to do full-time, no questions asked. I KNOW it doesn't happen right away. I'm not stupid. But it's oh, so hard to remain patient at times!

I think it's just going to take some risks for me to be really happy. For example, I'm about to sign an exclusive contract with a bigger ATL based agency than the one I'm with now...and while it may be a risky move- I think it may be just what I need to kickstart everything into motion! I'm a huge believer in following your gut and instincts, and taking opportunities when they fall into your lap. Everything is put in your path for a reason, so I feel that it would definitely be a good idea.

Along with taking leaps in my career, I think I may be at this point where I can take leaps in my personal life as well. I'm unbelievably guarded at times, especially when it comes to issues of the heart- I don't want to hurt people and of course I don't want to be hurt as well. (Who does?) So in essence I just don't *allow* myself to feel certain things, constantly upholding my fiercely independent ways to the core. I've always lived with this philosophy that me and my career is of utmost importance no matter what. (Selfish? Maybe. Necessary? Yes.) I strongly believe that I absolutely could not be at the point I am right now if it wasn't for this mindset, especially through my college years.

However, now that I'm settled a bit into my "adult life" and my career is at a point where I feel like I have control of the reins, so to speak- I can almost begin to see myself dissolving a bit of that brick wall that usually surrounds me. I actually find myself craving companionship more than my alone time sometime, which is highly unusual for me if you know me. 

Granted, this personal transition and realization is absolutely terrifying to say the least. Being one that can honestly say I've never experienced my heart broken by another person completely- the notion that this could happen if I start to allow myself to open up is so extremely scary. I'm so afraid of putting myself out there and literally run the other direction at the first hint of rejection. I'm so afraid of being "that needy girl" that I probably can seem cold-hearted at times, but it's just really my way of protecting myself, from, well-myself.


Really, I wish I wasn't so darn awkward.