muh.

I don't know why- but I've felt very emotional lately. As in, just really in touch with my emotions and more volatile than I usually am which is weird. I don't know why specifically. Just little things affect my mood than they usually do and I hate it!

I feel lately as if I have alot of pressure on me and sometimes it just feels overwhelming. And it's like once I finish one thing- I move right directly into the next without a break. For example- I finished my Sr. Acting Recital (woo!) But now As You Like It goes into tech after tomorrow's rehearsal and it's just CRAZY to think about...and today was a horrible rehearsal for me. I was completely in my head the entire time and kept flubbing lines and even completely forgot one- it was super embarrassing because this never happens to me! I'm not sure where my mind was, but it seemed as if alot of people were having an "off" day as well. Ugh. I just hate myself because I just feel like I need to be perfect at everything which is a frustrating feeling.

I don't know why I put so much pressure on myself! At times like this it really weighs down on me, though. I just feel like certain mistakes are just unacceptable when in reality I should give myself some slack.

In other news...I have found myself feeling kind of a little bit lonely? Which really doesn't make sense as I have NO time to even entertain the notion of a relationship of ANY sort... but idk. I just feel like sometimes it would be nice to have some sort of support and somebody to just do sweet things for me and that I could do sweet things for, you know? I just start to wonder if I'm really capable of a relationship anymore and I know I've said this before, but it is a scary thought. I get frustrated sometimes because lately whenever there is a guy that I AM interested in- I am not taken seriously and things just don't work out, but it's not ever because I haven't made the effort. Maybe I subconsciously stop things before they develop, who knows. I just feel like such a walking contradiction because I really love being single, and independent, and not having anyone to answer to- but it at times it does get lonesome and wearisome always being the strong, independent, somewhat bitter girl.

I just think my social life as a whole is very much lacking.
I feel like I never make an effort to really hang out with people and just come home after rehearsal/class and work on things in my bedroom. But I'm just kind of like- if I have anything that I feel like I need to get done- I can't allow myself to relax or just hang out with anyone until it's done. Even on the weekends I do this.
Meh.
I think once school is over I will learn to be social again, haha. I just get so wrapped up in the minutia of projects/assignments, and of course I get distracted super easily so everything takes forever for me to finish!

Idk. I'm just in a weird place right now. I just want a break, really.